Plymouth Satellite, Ford Mustang GT350R, Kawasaki Ninja H2: The Dopest Cars I Found For Sale Online

Do you feel the need? The need for speed? But not, y'know, the video game. Or the 2014 major motion picture adaptation starring Aaron Paul. I'm talking good, old-fashioned, fighter pilot need for speed. If so, if you feel that specific need, you've come to the right place.

This week on Dopest, we're looking for speed. But not just top speed, trap speed, or corner speeds — we're looking at all the ways a vehicle can be fast. If you're wondering what that even means, how a car can be fast without physical speed — well, you'll just have to read through to find out. Welcome to this week's Dopest Cars.

The seller of this Plymouth claims the car's V8 is cammed, meaning it may earn that little wing tacked on to its rear end. That, alone, should qualify it under this week's speed mandate. But what if I told you that the cam alone is just the beginning of this car's go-fast prowess?

See, this isn't just a Plymouth — it's a Plymouth Satellite. I have it on good authority, from trusted sources, that the Satellite is the only classic muscle car capable of FTL speeds. With that, it may be the fastest thing on our list.

The Acura Integra is, in our collective memory, a fast car. Sure, many of the old base model were plain old commuters, but those aren't the cars that have been preserved. The Integras of today are all fast, because we remember them being fast, and our modern interpretation of the vehicle has to match our misplaced nostalgia for what once — and, at the same time, never — was.

Take this Integra, for example. Its stock engine has been removed — making the car, objectively, less Integra — and replaced with one from a Prelude. This makes the car faster, bringing it more in line with how we all think an Integra should be. Is it possible to make something less itself, and in so doing make it more itself?

Is a Suzuki Sidekick fast? No. For a Dopest focused on speed, I admit this is an odd choice. But, allow me to give you a thought exercise here: Imagine showing up to a track day in this Sidekick. Everyone's hanging out in the paddock, checking tire pressures on their Neon SRT4s and Miatas, when you roll up in a stickerbombed Sidekick.

No matter how fast you actually lap that track, onlookers will say you were screaming along. This vehicle doesn't look like it wants to go over 25 miles an hour — look at the wheels alone. This Suzuki sets low expectations for its speed, so that the bar can always be cleared. It will always look fast.

I honestly don't know when Focus STs got this cheap. It seems like the last time I checked, clean ones were still pulling in over $20,000. Now, a top trim with reasonable-for-the-age mileage is less than half that. Is the economy okay? Should the Fed be intervening?

Sure, this ST isn't mint. There's some visible paint damage, and the interior has certainly seen its share of wear. But, for $8,500, how much more can you really get? Practicality, convenience, a massive aftermarket, and that oh-so-precious speed — it's all here.

As long as we're talking fast white Fords, though, there's another name worth mentioning. Like the ST, I don't need to convince you of this Shelby's speed merits — you know what you're getting yourself into here. Yet, with this specific Shelby, there's something unique.

I have never, in my years roaming this Earth, seen an all-white GT350R. Every single one I've laid eyes on has had blue stripes up the center, because heritage and tradition and what other colors can you even paint a car. This one, unstriped, might be the fastest way to stand out in a crowd of Shelbies.

"Surely this old Chevy, with nary a smokestack or turbodiesel badge to its name, can't be fast. There's no way it fits the need-for-speed bill Steve set out in this slideshow's introduction. I implore you, leaders of the website Jalopnik, to have this writer publicly ridiculed for including such a choice under such a theme."

You'd be well within your rights to send emails like this to our esteemed EIC (remember, for all complaints, my name is spelled A-n-d-y K-a-l-m-o-w-i-t-z), but consider this: A $4,000 truck, with a claimed "solid" frame, is the fastest way to get your business back up and running after a vehicle failure. Need to haul landscaping gear? Carrying things to the transfer station? Need to pull a trailer? I can think of no faster way to get back on your feet than a cheap, solid truck. Checkmate.

An NA Miata is not a fast car. I owned one myself, I know how they operate. This early car would have the smaller 1.6 engine, the differential likely no longer limits slip — if it ever did. This is no track weapon, no half-mile slayer, no time attack monster. But can you imagine a car that feels faster than a wrecked Miata?

A standard old Miata feels quick, with its body roll and screaming tires doing their best to convince you that you're doing double the speed indicated on your dash. Add in the anxiety of a wrecked vehicle — wait, what was that noise? — and there's likely nothing on earth that feels faster from the driver's seat.

Here's a fun story about me. When I was getting my license, I came very close to buying a GTI off eBay. It was for sale nearby, it was cheap, it seemed to be in good shape — perfect for a first-time car buyer, right? But once the talks got more serious, a problem emerged. The title had two names on it, rather than a single seller, and neither could be present for a sale. This quickly became a dealbreaker.

This Mini is similar. It too has two names on its title, and one of those parties seems to be in the wind — they've "left home" and abandoned this Mini, which now needs to be sold. For speed, this car is simple: It's the fastest way to become really, really well-acquainted with the staff of your local DMV. You'll be there time, and time, and time, and time, and time again.

The Street line was an interesting effort from Harley. It was the brand's attempt to build cheaper, smaller bikes that could broaden the bar and shield's appeal past boomers who grew up on Peter Fonda. The problem came with that little word, "effort" — riders found it lacking in the bikes' execution.

I posit that the Street series is the fastest way to understand Harley-Davidson. The company isn't uninterested in capturing more buyers — you can look at the Pan America and Livewire range for proof of that — it just isn't always quite sure how to do it. Sometimes it misses the mark, but sometimes it gets truly close. Where the Street 750 falls on that spectrum depends on your thoughts about the bike itself.

The seller of this Z3 claims it's "very clean," "great running," "great on gas," and — most importantly — an "inexpensive way to have a fun car." In a way, the ad isn't wrong. Eight grand is, by car definitions, relatively inexpensive. But if you're buying a 23-year-old, 90,000-mile BMW and expecting to spend no more than the purchase price, I've got a bridge to sell you.

This Z3 is the fastest way to learn the difference between initial and running costs for a vehicle. It's a luxury car that's old enough to drink, so those initial costs will be low. But, it's a luxury car that's old enough to drink, so keeping it running will nickel and dime you to death.

Fine, I admit, some of these have gotten abstract. If you came here looking for vehicles that are pure, outright fast, you may be disappointed. If that sounds like you, I think I have your prescription ready right here: A C5 Corvette that pushes 458 horsepower to its rear wheels.

This Vette is fully built out. Dry sump oil system, full cage, upgraded driveline from the transmission to the diff — it's a race car that's legal for the road. Depending, of course, on where your road is. And the safety inspection requirements surrounding that road. I wouldn't want to drive this without a HANS, is all I'm saying.

Okay, you got one genuinely fast car. We're going back to obtuse definitions of speed for a minute. We have here another Chevy truck, another vehicle that's no one's mental image of the word "speed." It's not even sponsored by Rust-Eze.

But the Chevy Luv is fast in another way: It's the fastest way to get tired of a joke. "Oh, do you Luv it?" I did at first, but now I can't stop hearing this same joke every time I stop for gas. Please, I'm begging you, come up with anything else to say. String together literally any other combination of words.

What happens when you take an Africa Twin engine, shove it beneath the tank of a cruiser, and hook the whole thing up to a dual-clutch transmission? Well, you probably get a very comfortable and practical daily rider. You also get a great lesson in just how much faster bikes are than cars.

No shifting, no clutching, just your right wrist and 1.1 liters of fury barreling down the road. This is not a bike built for speed, it's not meant to win drags or get you knee-down in a corner, and it's still stupid fast for the money. All bikes are fast, and a Rebel 1100 is the fastest way to learn that lesson.

I insinuated earlier that diesel trucks might be fast. This loaded-up Mercedes van is not an example of that in action. Any attempts at true speed here would only be met with fridges crashing open, showers running wild, and the overall sense that perhaps a dwelling should not be moving at such a velocity. That sense would be correct.

But, what faster way to plan a vacation than this? No need to book hotels, flights, or trains. Just hop in the van and go, everything you need is already with you. It's fast in a logistical sense, which is just as cool as top speed. I majored in spreadsheets in college, I can confirm.

Oh, you were patient. You waited through 14 other slides. Well, fine, you deserve it: True, unbridled speed. The kind of speed Tom Cruise meant. Four cylinder, 998 ccs, and one supercharger coming together to create nearly 200 horsepower.

The supercharger's blades spin fast enough to break the sound barrier at full tilt. That's right — even out of the cockpit, Maverick can still go supersonic. And so can you, if you've got $25,000 laying around. Is that need for speed sated yet?