I know it’s not even November yet, but Christmas is still right around the corner, and it is my absolute favorite holiday. An extra excuse to shop, while annoying agencies like the IRS are closed because of this federally recognized holiday. As it does every year, home appliance and washcloth factory outlet Neiman Marcus is helping me celebrate.

See, Neiman Marcus knows its clientele. It knows that the people who flock to its shops to purchase a Dolce & Gabbana refrigerator would turn their noses up at a set of matching Camrys for the holidays. (Well, maybe not if it’s for the staff...)

Which is why the Yours & Mine Exclusive Rolls-Royce Dawn Drophead CoupĂŠs from Neiman Marcus are so perfect. The Coniston Blue is reminiscent of one of my favorite places, Lake Como. The Saint-Tropez Orange reminds one of, well, Saint-Tropez. Although, given my recent beef with France, I might get it repainted.

A normal Rolls-Royce Dawn costs a very reasonable $341,125, which I honestly find too generous a price. I want to be a little different from everyone else. Who doesn’t?

The Blue Dawn costs $439,625 and the Orange one costs $445,750. Marvelous! Because the only thing guaranteed to keep out the sad and downtrodden members of the working class is a good markup. I myself have this very saying tattooed across my knuckles.

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I really do wish Neiman Marcus would cut the shit with this apologetic marketing campaign, though. Not only does this holiday special imply “sharing” with the “Yours & Mine” shtick, the company will also donate $1,000 to The Heart of Neiman Marcus Foundation each time someone buys a Dawn.

Jesus Christ. Who has time to share in this dog-eat-dog world? I have exactly enough for me and me alone. And donating to charity is just for weaklings who have succumbed to society making them feel shitty for being better than other people.

Look, you can’t make everyone happy. Which is why it’s best just to make yourself happy. So, buy both damn Dawns and call it a goddamn holiday. Apologize to no one for nothing.