Mitsubishi Delica, Honda Elite, Chevy HRR Panel: The Dopest Cars I Found for Sale Online

Look, I don’t need to sell you on the first-generation Mazda Miata. You’re reading Jalopnik, you already know the pitch. I don’t need to tell you that the Miat is a Good Car, a Friend, a Sweet Boy With A Kind Soul. You know all that already.

Instead, I’ll tell you that the first-generation pre-facelift Miata wheels are criminally underrated. Look at these, they’re like a discount Watanabe. When I had my first Miata, I never had any inclination towards changing those wheels (though I did give them a coat of metallic bronze Plasti-Dip). Keep your stock wheels, NA6 owners.

Speaking of cars that need no introduction, we have here a Delica. This particular Delica is an Active World, rather than the much-loved Space Gear trim, but it still features all the reliability, interior amenities, and off-road capability that have made it so popular among Seattlites and Seattle enthusiasts.

This Delica has its factory curtains, but seems to be lacking any aftermarket rust. This is generally seen as a good thing in the Delica community, despite my astute observation that rust actually removes weight from the vehicle. I keep trying to explain it to the Delica Forum moderators, but they keep banning my accounts.

I was told by my coworkers that I should “warn people” about this exquisite Town Car, because it has “lewd paintings on the hood” that “could get people fired” if they pull up the photos at “work.” So, if your boss is looking over your shoulder, don’t click the Craigslist link. Or do, I don’t know what your office culture is like.

Hood erotica or no, this Town Car deserves mention. It has the tiniest spoked wheels I have ever seen, and they’re approximately 35 feet away from the body of the car at full lift. The steering wheel is a chain, and the pinstriping is intricately detailed — and, as pointed out by Jalopnik’s own Jeb Biggart, sort of done in the colors of the trans flag. We stan an ally.

I’m surprised we don’t see more ambulance-based vanlife builds. They’re already built for an adult person to lie down in, and they’ve got tons of room for other keeping-you-alive accoutrements. Really, it’s sort of their whole deal. Plus, if you’re looking to do stealth city vanlife, what blends in more than an ambulance?

This ambulance claims to be “ready to camp,” which means it has a “couch/pull out bed” and some turf on the roof. No, I don’t understand the turf thing either. It’s not even like there’s a whole putting green up there. That, at least, I’d understand.

Speaking of things I understand: The Honda Elite. Look at this. Eighties-nineties styling, Honda reliability, it’s a vaporwave Vespa that actually starts every time you need it. What’s not to love?

Of course, that retro look hides that this is a 2004 Honda Elite. Modern functionality with dated looks is what all the muscle-car-restomod guys and Singer enthusiasts like. Why shouldn’t they elevate themselves to the Honda elite?

The body text of this Craigslist listing is utterly incomprehensible. That’s great, because the car is too. It’s a ‘93 Cadillac hearse, but it’s been built up in the Japanese Miyagata style. I cannot fathom the mind of a person who would do this, but I love them for it.

This car and this style of modification go together like orange juice and toothpaste, and I’ve never been so ready to hate the taste in my mouth. I want to see this car in real life. I want to talk to whoever built it. I want to ask them why.

Okay, deep breaths, come back down from that hearse. Let’s do something normal, like a two-door four-wheel-drive Mitsubishi Montero cosplaying as a Dodge. It’s even got a manual transmission, for extra normalcy.

Of course, what’s not-so-normal about this Dodge Raider is the condition. This little truck looks clean, with brand-new tires and a recent smog check to its name. At under ten grand, that’s a very tempting offer.

Late-aughts Sentras on Craigslist are as common as the day is long, but it’s less often that you see a performance-minded SE-R pop up. Sure, this one’s a less-desirable automatic, but that makes it cheap — less than four grand, asking.

For that money, you get a car with “alot of newparts.” Unfortunately, there aren’t quite enough newparts to revive the car’s cosmetic condition, but it looks good enough to serve as a daily driver — one that’s more than a little entertaining.

Okay, fine, one more vanlife build. I always have to include one, because there’s always a part of my mind that wants to pack into one of these and just set off. Strap an adventure motorcycle to the back, head out for parts unknown, and make them known — understand something about this world that no one’s ever learned before.

I mean, sure, you’ll still need roads or maintained trails to get the Sprinter anywhere. And, no, trailer hitch receivers aren’t meant to handle the weight of a fully-loaded Tenere. And I’ll admit I really don’t have the money or skill to take off on a bike, towards a place where no one can find me if I’m injured. But, besides all that, it’d be great.

Hot take: This looks cooler than the current Chrysler 300. Yeah, the modern one is faster and safer and likely more fuel efficient and better to drive, but does it come in a convertible? Does it have a weird beak situation happening in the middle of the grille? Didn’t think so.

No, this sixties 300 is the cool one. Smooth wheels, candy red paint, and an air of unmistakable time. It’s out of place in this modern age, but here it is anyway. Good for it.

Hey, you. Got water? Got a weird miniature cargo-ish van thing from the late 2000s, advertising the mere concept of water? I think you need both, honestly. You should definitely buy this car, but also take a sip of water right now. I see you licking your lips, they’re dry and that’s not helping.

This seller promises the HHR’s decals can be removed, but I kind of hope they can’t. Whoever buys this should spray additional clear coat over them, leaving the car forever questioning if people do in deed Got Water. That’s the future I want for this car.

I’ll admit, I don’t really understand the whole “making exterior body panels out of diamondplate” thing. It’s never looked particularly good to me, it doesn’t blend with the existing bodywork and it makes the whole thing look disjointed. Not my favorite.

Still, it’s not enough to turn me off from this FJ40. Instead, it just makes me wonder if I could get a deal on the car, particularly since the ad claims that the seller “must sell.” Throw them a number, see what they say.

Taking a photo of your bike, in the fog, under the Manhattan Bridge, is cheating. Particularly if your bike is a storm-gray Moto Guzzi, with the heads of its longitudinal v-twin engine gleaming in what little light can poke through the clouds. It’s a good picture.

It’s also a good bike, judging by how many of them I see around the city. New Yorkers seem to love their Guzzis, and I hear they’re not alone. Many claim that the longitudinal v-twin just feels better than any other bike, in ways that are hard to express in words. Guess I’ll have to try riding one.

The ad for this Hummer leads with “Size doesn’t matter ? Well in this 1992 M998 Hardtop Hummer H1 it clearly does…” I’ve never seen someone directly admit that their Humvee is used as a compensation device, but I guess there’s a first time for everything.

The seller also promises that this overgrown military vehicle can “bring you anywhere and I mean ANYWHERE !!!” That’s probably true, so long as you’re trying to go somewhere big enough to fit this mass of steel and rubber. But will it bring you to somewhere that makes you happy with yourself? Probably not, because people who are happy with themselves don’t buy Hummers.

I’m ending on a Desert Sled not because it’s the best vehicle on the list, or because it’s the best deal, or because it’s the one I want most. No, I end on this bike because it — and its entire market segment — confuse me.

This bike sits alongside the Triumph Scrambler 1200 as “retro-scrambler-styled bikes that have modern ADV offroad capability.” That is a combination that, to me, makes exactly zero sense. Who wants their big adventure bike, built for long on- and off-road trips, to lack any kind of wind protection? Who wants to make their big journey without reasonable places to mount saddlebags? On the flipside, what road-going open-helmet leather-jacket cafe rider wants to swing a leg 34 inches in the air to clear an ADV seat? Especially now, when the craze in adventure motorcycling is Dakar styling? Who is buying these?