Lacking Products, Old Media Fellates “Optimism” Instead

Illustration for article titled Lacking Products, Old Media Fellates “Optimism” Instead

There's hardly any new cars on show here in Detroit, but don't worry, journalists that rely on the car industry to feed them have found another way to justify their meal tickets. Apparently, the big story this year is "optimism."


"A new sense of optimism filled the Detroit auto show Monday," writes the AFP. "Optimism reigns in Detroit as big auto show begins 2-week run," says the AP. "Detroit auto show does without glitz, but there's a sense of optimism in the air," barfs the Pittsburgh Post Gazette. In fact, a Google News search for "optimism detroit auto show" returns 741 results.

What do we have to be optimistic about? According to the AP, Chrysler is going to slow the rate at which it fires people (they're calling that "hiring"), Ford won two Car Of The Year awards by the hometown press, GM's going to make more crossovers, Chrysler/Fiat will hire temporary employees instead of full-time ones when it eventually gets around to importing cars like the Chrysler Guido and the company announced it hadn't lost any more of its cash reserves since November. We didn't realize there was free crack on offer here at the show, but as soon as we finish writing this article, we're going to go find some.


As apparently the only non-high journalists in attendance (we'd describe our state more like "buzzed") we just don't understand where this optimism is coming from.

Dodge, Jaguar, Jeep, Land Rover, Lexus, Lotus, Maserati, Mazda, Mitsubishi, Ram, Scion, Smart and Volvo aren't even holding press conferences as they have nothing new to blather on about — not even a dumb radio.Lamborghini, Porsche, Nissan and Infiniti didn't even bother to show up. As far as we can tell, the only all-new production models here are the Ford Focus and the Honda CR-Z. Most of the "unveilings" are for products we've seen before or they're just relatively un-exciting concept cars. Journalist attendance is noticeably down from 2008, not to mention 2007 — both years with three press days. This year, they can barely manage one and a half. Also, it's 16 degrees outside and there's very little in the way of free beer. I hate this place.

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twitchykun(ate Schrödinger's cat)

Ode to Jalopnik's coverage of the Det Auto Show:

Well you done wrote it and you bet I felt it

Weather was pretty chill but you're so hot that I melted

Porsche fell through the cracks

Now it's trying to get back

Before the beer done run out

I'll be giving it my bestest

And nothing's gonna stop Ray from dragon exposition

I reckon it's again your turn to win some or drink some

Sam won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait, he's yours

Well open up your mind and see like me

Cars are on the wall and beer's not free

Look @ Wes' ass and you'll find love love love love

The CR-Z's got no power baby cry with me

We're just one jalop-family

And It's our Matt-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

Sam won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait, he's yours

There's no need to complicate

CTS-V rules

This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch on over closer dear

And get me some beeeeeeerrr

I've been spending way too long checking BYD in the mirror

And trying to believe their proclamations clearer

But my breath fogged up the glass

And so I drew a new face and laughed

I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason

To get a Transit Connect and just go with the seasons

It's what we aim to do

To get wasted and pee too.....

Sam won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait, he's yours

Well open up your blog and see like me

Open up the engine and damn you're free

Look into your heart and you'll find that the (Saturn) sky ain't yours

Please don't, please don't, please don't

There's no need to complicate

Cause our time is short

This oh this this is our fate, Sam's yours!