Gif: Jason Torchnisky/Jalopnik

Hey beautiful. Yeah you. Are you interested in some hot, steamy car talk? Yeah you are, you dirty wrencher. Ok, not to be a tease, but uh, this isn’t as sexy as my lede made it out to be. Some cars names are just deeply, deeply weird. Or if not “weird,” they’re definitely something Freudian. Some names are the source of childish giggles.

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Bear with me, I know many of you come here specifically for maturity.

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We’ve done a few lists like this in the past, and felt like it was time for an update. These lists are pretty revealing about the writers who blogged them. For instance, former Editor-In-Chief Matt Hardigree named the Ford Probe, which makes me think he might be doing some things wrong. Same with Raphael Orlove’s inclusion of the Scat Pack, or maybe I am just being closed minded.

I wanted to make sure not to repeat any of the vehicles we listed before, so I delved deep into history, headlines and my own subconscious and managed to find 10 more (give or take) cars with sexually suggestive names.

1. Subaru FUCKS

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Image: Screenshot: glitchFan2428 (YouTube
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Ah, who could forget Subaru’s new year gift to the world, the Forester Ultimate Customised Kit Special, or FUCKS, was revealed at that 2020 Singapore Auto Show (remember auto shows?) much to the giggles of the English-speaking car media. Subaru later apologized for the unintended racy name of this hot little wagon (as if wagons could get any sexier) saying in a letter to dealers that the name would be changed and the options definitely won’t be available for the US anyway. Which is a shame, because this is one Forester that clearly FUCKS.

2. Plymouth/Chrysler/Dodge (Mitsubishi Starion) Conquest

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Referring to someone you find attractive as a “conquest” sounds like a term a neckbeard guy might call a woman to his friends after she responds with an awkward smile to him doffing his fedora, but maybe it’s time to take it back. Let’s return this term to where it really belongs: grocery store romance novels and cars. The Conquest has worn so many make badges over the years, it is a car that is a master at role playing—it can be a Dodge, a Plymouth, a Chrysler or a Mitsubishi—all while pretending to be a sports car. Let your fantasies run wild.

3. Buick Y-Job Concept

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What’s a Y-Job, you say? Oh honey, if you have to ask, you’ve never had one and probably never will. Buick only had one in its whole existence, since this is a concept car. In fact, the 1938 Y-Job was the first concept car ever developed for the American car industry. Way to peak too early Buick, though I hear that happens to lots of manufacturers.

4. Toyota “Jeep” BJ

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I can’t believe we missed the Toyota BJ on previous lists. It’s so obvious! What might not be obvious is that this is the very first generation of what would eventually become the Land Cruiser. The BJ was developed in 1951 for use for the National Police Reserve, which today is known as the Japan Ground Self-Defense Force. The BJ didn’t end up seeing action in the police reserve however, as Japan decided to go with name-brand Jeeps built via a license granted to Mitsubishi by Willys. Since Toyota didn’t own the rights to “Jeep” they switched to “Land Cruiser” and started production for civilian use in 1953.

5. Ford Edge

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Brings a whole new meaning to hearing “are we there yet?” from the back seat.

6. Mercedes-Benz GLC 350e 4MATIC EQ Power

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If you don’t know what is undeniably erotic about a name like “GLC 350e 4MATIC EQ Power,” well then that’s on YOU.

7. Dodge Dart Swinger

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The Dodge Dart Swinger is ingenious. Any polycule knows it is best to keep the cute, innocent brand new shiny couple captive in the back of a two-door vehicle. You can explain your lifestyle and they have plenty of time and space back there to trade nervous glances and consider your proposition! I mean, where are they gonna go without door handles.

8. Hyundai Accent

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Image: Hyundai
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You may be saying, “Erin, this isn’t sexy.” To which I say, name something sexier than an accent? I thought so.

9. Chevy Lova

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Answering the immortal question of “will you be my Lova?” is the Chevy Lova. Even when you think you’re alone, you’re not really alone because the Lova is there for you. But it has to be a Lova. Remember kids: All Aveos leave.

10. Mazda Laputa

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A favorite of mine, the Mazda Laputa brings some international flair as a Japanese kei car with a name which means “the whore” in Spanish speaking countries. But let’s not shame this little vehicle. It’s not a whore, it’s just freer than other cars at expressing all 659 cc of passion contained in its tiny motor.

Managing Editor of Jalopnik.

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