Harley-Davidson Pan America, Mercedes-Benz Unimog, Renault 5 Turbo 2: The Dopest Cars I Found For Sale Online

Folks, happy Dune release day. By the time you're reading this, I'll have already visited Arrakis once more, but for now we're all united in our anticipation. Will Denis Villeneuve pull it off again? I think so. He's Denis Villeneuve, after ll

But until we can all ride around on Shai Hulud, we'll need another way to get from point A to point B. It may be less cool, but we're going to get as close to the Maker's level of interesting and unique as we can. In other words, we're going to get the internet's Dopest Cars.

The middle eras of the Camaro get a bad rep thanks to the deeply American refusal to innovate in the face of the oil embargo back in the early 1970s. The second, third, and fourth generations are just perceived as lesser than the OG or the modern interpretations. That's a shame, because some of them are gorgeous.

Now, I don't mean gorgeous in the way a Datsun Z is, but look at this second-gen Camaro. Is this not great, in a so-bad-it's-good way? The weird squircle headlights, the odd front-end angles, the approximately 60-foot-long shift lever. Doesn't this kinda rule? No? Just me?

I promised you rally legends up top, and by god I'll give them to you. Here you go: A 1988 Mazda 323. You're excited, right? I can feel your desire dripping from the screen as you gaze longingly over those dual rear spoilers.

This 323 is a rally special, I swear — a Group A homologation car, from one of only two years when the hot hatch was brought to our shores. Sure, this one may not "run," but who doesn't love a project?

The E92 3-series (this one, being a convertible, is technically an E93) is the holder of a few vaunted titles in BMW history. It's the last-ever naturally aspirated engine in an M3, and it happened to be one of the car's best-looking eras. Also, I did a burnout in one by accident on a Carmax test drive, and that's gotta count for something.

These cars have really plummeted in price, which is a surprise given their good looks. It likely has nothing to do with the reputation of that final NA engine. Don't ask about the rod bearings. The rod bearings are fine, you're so silly to bring them up, who even told you about those?

The Pan America intrigues me. In some ways — design, offroad capability, engineering — it's the least Harley thing that Harley has ever built. In others, though — price, target market, appeal to dentists — it's right up the Bar and Shield's alley.

Harley-Davidson bikes aren't cheap, but those high-dollar buyers have long been out of the cruiser market. Instead, Harley is trying to give them what they want, and it seems like they're starting to catch on. I've seen them around, at least.

You know me, I'm a sucker for a good van. Even moreso when that van is livable, and more still if it's a Volkswagen. You take all those traits and deck them out in a brass finish with blue stripes? Baby, you've got a stew going. A delicious, delicious stew.

Now, this Vanagon is more sleepable than livable, but that can easily be remedied. Have you seen how cheap induction cooktops are now? Safe vanlife has never been more attainable for those of us on shoestring budgets. My lease is up this year. Maybe I should finally get a van.

Some folks, though, might find a Vanagon a little cramped. If you're coming from some expansive estate, a manse on a cliff edge overlooking the serfs whose lives you run with an iron fist, that's fair — the Volkswagen may struggle to hold all your gold swimming pools and paintings of yourself.

Perhaps you just need a bigger footprint to work from. This Unimog may not currently be set up as a residence, that I'll concede, but I'm sure you've got the resources to sort it out. How much could a roof possibly cost?

I have a confession to make. In keeping with my ongoing Cruiser Phase, I actually kind of love this Honda Shadow. Sure, the bars are way too high, the wheels are the wrong color, the intake is obtrusive, and the exhaust just Isn't, but those can all be fixed.

Okay, sure, the MILF HUNTER lettering on the radiator needs to go. Really all of the stickers. And the pinstriping. I think what I'm really saying is that I think this fairing and seat are neat, and work well on the Honda frame.

Now this is the rally legend you were really after, right? A Nissan Pulsar that was somewhat competitive in Group N, and showed up to at least a few Group A events with little success? Isn't that what you always dreamed of?

If not, maybe it should be. The GTI-R is more unique than any WRX or Evo — It even has an umbrella in the door jamb! It's basically a rally Rolls, which is everyone's true dream car.

I've been on a K5 kick recently, and I don't see it ending any time soon. I have no room for a K5, no need for a K5, and yet the idea of cruising around with the top down in a late '60s to early '70s 4x4 tempts me.

I won't be buying one of these any time soon — see the aforementioned lack of space and need — but I'll live vicariously through your purchases. Grab an old Blazer and trundle around in nice weather with your buds. What's better than that, right?

We're also a few slideshows deep into my Ute Era, a genre of vehicle that, thanks to its size advantages over the K5, may actually be reasonable for me to purchase. I still have no need, sure, but boy do I have a want.

This Brat, though, is better left to someone with a garage in which to wrench. It doesn't quite run, thanks to a half-installed carb upgrade, and its rust repair is similarly incomplete. The headlights, though, really complement the lack of paint. Gives the whole thing a kind of cyberpunk feel.

Few things in this world run more reliably than an old two-stroke dirt bike. The DT125 is just that, but with the added advantage of a license plate holder and turn signals. Throw some premix in the tank, fire it up, and it'll run far longer than any of us will. We're the ones breathing in the premix fumes, after all.

This DT125 in particular has the advantage of being absolutely visually stunning, in its wine-red paint. It also has wine-white fenders and decals, if your taste in wine is Worse. Feel free to flame war over this in the comments.

Fine, the rally car you actually wanted all this time. The Renault 5 Turbo 2, a 185-horsepower rear-mid-engined hot hatch that drives unlike anything else. At least, I'm told it does. I don't have the kind of net worth that would allow me to sit in these.

This ad opens with "High quality investment piece," and I hope whoever buys it does the exact opposite of "investing." Buy this and drive the multi-piece wheels off the thing, as it was intended to be used. Stop investing in cars, people; that rising tide has lifted all the cool boats too far.

This is the second week in recent memory that I've included an automatic NA in Dopest, and I have a good reason for that. Simply put, the autos are the only cheap NAs these days. Everyone got too infatuated with the pop-up headlights — myself included — and now no one can afford them.

So here's what you do: You buy this bright yellow beauty — worth it for the color alone — and you K-swap it with a Honda gearbox. Great power, perfectly reliable engine, and the only transmission ever to feel better than an old Miata's. Sound good? Perfect, I'll be checking in on your progress as the swap goes on.

Speaking of fantastic automotive colors, you really don't see shades like this 2800's blue any more. We still get blue, don't get me wrong, but there's something stately about this particular depth and desaturation. Something regal, even.

This color belongs on a car driven by someone Important, someone of Means, but not necessarily someone who's an active villain in the situation — think Ferris' parents rather than Cameron's. More loving than stern.

I think we, as a global society, need to bring back this genre of droopy-eyed truck front ends. For too long have hoods and headlights held the same height, drawing a flat plane across a car's front end. No more, I say. Let the hood be taller.

This is a work truck, a truck that prides function above all, but it still looks great after all these years — all thanks to its styling language. Can you say the same about a modern Silverado or F-150? I didn't think so. Bring back droopy trucks.