Nice Price Or Crack PipeIs this used car a good deal? You decide!  

The seller of today’s Nice Price or Crack Pipe 535i threatens lowballing time wasters with “a kick in the dick.” Because of that, should you not find his price acceptable, perhaps you might want to consider wearing protection for that part of your anatomy. . . . as well as of course, your low balls.

Wow, fully 75% of you would be unwilling to write the Gorbacheck for yesterday’s 1975 Lada 2103 at its nearly twelve grand asking price. And you call yourselves capitalist pigs. Well okay, if that didn’t Aeroflot your boat, then maybe today’s 1988 BMW 535i will give you a Lufthansa.

BMW’s 5-series totally rocks the casbah, and the e28 edition rivals the smaller e30 in its ‘80s evocative teutonic tastiness. Here in the States of course, the most common model sold was the economy minded 528e, which, while sharing a basic body structure with its more athletic brethren, was more likely found sitting on the bench than playing in the field.

This however is not just the beefier 535i, but is also described as being a Euro edition. Ooooooooh! Now, whether that simply means it has had the smaller bumpers and associated valances bolted in place of their federalized editions, or that it’s a full-on Autobahn-stormer - with metric gauges and a penchant for Techno - is unknown.


The ad does note that the M30 under hood was once saddled with not one but two turbos, which wreaked havoc with drivability. Those have been banished to the cornfield under the present owner’s possession.

The seller additionally claims that the now turbo-less engine - 215-bhp in Euro tune or 185 for the US - pulls strong and exhibits no issues at all. Behind the big six is a five speed stick, and the seller says that the fresh set of Bilsteins and sport springs give the car a decent ride. It’ll be delivered riding on an also decent set of 17-inch Style 32s.


Visually, there are a few issues. The front bumper has inexplicably been detached and comes with the car in the boot. There’s also a healthy dent in the off-side front fender which lends the car a bit of Mad Maxian air. Plus, chicks dig scars so maybe it warrants ignoring. The paint over all is in pretty poor shape, but it doesn’t have like penises rattle canned all over it, nor is it showing any signs of rust, so maybe that’s not something to be immediately concerned with either.

Inside, the seller describes the color as blue'er than fuck, and to overall be in decent shape. The leather seats are as heavily textured as an elephant’s ass, but that too adds character and at least they are not torn or popping squab fluff. The dash and glovebox are apparently pretty messed up however.


Having had some kind of crazy turbo set up means that the engine has suffered pressures normally associated with volcanic vents at the ocean’s floor, and that may mean that, while the pin has been put back in with the turbos’ removal, this car’s M30 is now potentially grenade grade.

Because of that, as well as the over all condition and the threat of crotch karate should the seller not be pleased by your use of his time, we’re now going to see if his $4,500 price is an appropriate number for this car- at a respectful distance, of course.


What do you think, is this ’88 535i worth $4,500, and the threat of a kick in the Europeen? Or, does that price make this E28 not so great?

You decide!


Richmond Craigslist, or go here if the ad disappears.

H/T to jesus loves rotaries for the Hookup!

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