For $1,500 this is the Marquis de Left-foot

Nice Price Or Crack PipeIs this used car a good deal? You decide!

The Mercury Grand Marquis may have put the aunt in the Panther platform, but today's Nice Price or Crack Pipe three pedal special may just erase that octogenarian image. But, will its price make it old news?

Turning Japanese by the eighties band, the Vapors, may seem a xenophobic screed, but really it's just about the face a fapper makes upon, well, you know. Come to think of it, that is still pretty racist, damn. Anyway, yesterday's turbo'd 1995 Toyota Corolla didn't seem to be even a one-hit wonder, and fully 66% of you found its price, and presentation, to be anticlimactic.


Seemingly anti-Japanese, and not in the sense of being against that island nation, but of existing in complete antithesis to their ideals, comes today's three pedal panther. Born a Mercury Marquis - a car that, from the factory, arrived not with that new-car smell, but with the unforgettable bouquet of very old people, it now should provide a mask of burned rubber.

That original odor is a possible explanation why both the Marquis and its parent, the Mercury Division, have gone the way of many of their customers. Smelling like an Applebee's ladies room was the least of the Marquis' problems, however. A bigger factor in its lack of attractiveness to those who don't give a damn how many kids are on their lawn - my milkshakes! - was, of course, the car's total lack of a factory five speed. Automatic transmissions, as we all know, are the tools of the devil and Ensure drinkers, and the only way a Marquis could slough off its granny panties image would be if it were fitted with a proper stick shift and a pedal to give your left leg something more to do than just lift in the occasion of a butt trumpet.


This Marquis not only has that fountain of youth five speed but it also rocks a front clip off a Ford Crown Vic in order to confuse the cops. Sure it's kind of beat up, and is a few different shades of navy, but who cares? Its three-wide front passenger seat will make every dip into 2nd and 4th a trip to the top of the center occupant's thigh highs which should either ensure that the back seat gets some use, or that you're getting a black eye.

In front of the T-45 five cog is Ford's modular 4.6 in 2-valve form. That's not hugely exciting, but it does offer a good base, and the panther has enough room underhood for about as much insanity as you might want to bolt on. Right now it has a set of Flowmasters managing exhaust, and like a boss, they dump in front of the rear wheels. The seller says the engine and tranny work just fine, and that the A/C and heater do their part for global temperature control. Police wheels and brand new big-ol' black wall tires make this Marquis look like a dirty old man, which is just the patina necessary for such an generation-spanning ride.


On the downside, the seller claims that it needs a new axle seal to keep the diff from draining out the right-hand side and the removal of the cats make its exhaust as EPA-unfriendly as the current crop of Republican presidential contenders. Also, apparently the car is only able to be driven by day as the light switch is kaput. But hey, you were going for the early -bird special anyway, right?


There are certain cars that have appeal just because you wouldn't care how many french fries get lost down the seat cracks or just how far over the limit line that douche in the Lexus parked, you're taking that space anyway. This is that kind of car, in fact in the pictures it seriously looks like someone popped a squat on the driver's side floor mat. It's also one that comes with your own personal parts department on nearly any cop car you happen to find yourself splayed on the trunk lid of. Finally, it's gone from possum to awesome with the addition of the 5-speed gearbox.


How much would you expect to pay for such a fistfull of excellence? Well, the seller - who has apparently been shilling the car for some time in the Chicagoland area - now wants $1,500 to take it off his hands. It seems to me that you could part this miscreant Mercury out for more than that. But of course, that's just my opinion, and it's now time for you to weigh in with yours. What do you think, is this marquis worth $1,500? Or, does that price make this Merc a jerk?

You decide!


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