For $1,400, This Is Why The Eagle Is Our National Bird

Nice Price Or Crack PipeIs this used car a good deal? You decide!

There's a trope going around politics these days regarding American Exceptionalism, the expected given that we are in some way better than everybody else on the planet. While that may be the ultimate in hubris, today's Nice Price or Crack Pipe AMC Eagle Rock Hopper is evidence in its favor. The question is, will you find its price equally exceptional? Well, will you, you pinko commie hippie?

You know what else is as American as yelling to make furriners comprende de English? Jeep, that's what - in fact you'd be hard pressed to get any more American that that. Of course the additional fact that the diesel engine in yesterday's 1985 Cherokee asked voulez-vous coucher avec moi? may have totally confused matters. There was no confusion about its price however, with 68% of you easily letting it escargot with a Crack Pipe loss.

Not all of you out there are endowed with American citizenship, and while I am sure that your nationality engenders unremitting pride, the realization that cars like today's 1981 AMC Eagle SX/4 Rock Climber exist here may make you non-Americans a little less desirous of blowing us up.

Some Craigslist ads are as terse as a divorce summons while others suffer from descriptive profligacy that would shame a Bond villain. This ad is neither. Instead, it paints the history of this Eagle liftback. It is story - nay, a treatise - on the American dream. It's probably NSFW as just reading the ad will have you shouting AMERICA, FUCK YEAH! and fist pumping the air in your soon to be former place of employment.


Of course, like all great American stories, this Eagle's tale is one of rags to riches to amazing. The seller says he bought the car shortly after leaving high school, and replaced the blown 4.2 with a fuel injected 4.0 from a 1999 Jeep. Also from that most American of rides comes the now dual-range transfer case. In addition, initial visual mods were a snorkle intake and brush guard, as well as bed liner in lieu of carpet when it was discovered that the door seals were not water tight.


But that was just the start. The transmission (automatic) has been rebuilt and the original black paint has been livened up with a coat of kermit the frog on the sides and hood. Lastly, those pesky doors have had the LockTight on their hinge bolts broken for easy removal making for better visibility and easy access to trail-side veins of gold or other free-for-the-picking awesomeness that is rife in America. Massive knobbies fill the wheel wells when at full suspension compression, but otherwise hang out down at ground level while everybody else in the car parties upstairs.

Of course, this story wouldn't be complete without some setbacks and in the case of this Eagle, the first occurred when someone rear-ended it on the street. Rather than just repair the damage, the owner took the initiative - in the American way - and rebuilt the crumpled corner as a storage box, using that thing that Ripley drove in Aliens as a template.


Other challenges to this Eagle replacing the Stars and Stripes as the ass tat of choice for uber patriots is a litany of issues that presently mean it sits under the taint of a Non-Operational registration. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer - despite the nice dress and fetching shoes and bag - but there are some daunting matters that need to be overcome before this Eagle flies again. The main problems are the claimed ‘death wobble' that apparently requires a major overhaul of the front end, a slipping front axle, electrical gremlins, and the specter of smogging the beast. Oh yeah, and that in-your-end-o accident? That resulted in the car being tainted by a salvage title.


Yes, each of those, and the many other problems noted in the ad, may be reason enough to give this Eagle a pass. But, if we rolled over at the first sign of trouble, if we threw in the towel when the going got tough, then we wouldn't be where we are today. After all Rocky got back up even while Mickey was yelling at him to stay down Rock! and look where the effort got him.

So you need to think hard and long before voting on this Eagle's $1,400 price tag because it's not just the valuation of a single car that hangs in the balance, but the future of this fine nation. This vote is even more important than the November elections in determining our future. With that in mind, do you think this battle scarred but still awesome Eagle is worth $1,400, or do you just hate America so much?


You decide!


Ventura Craigslist or go here if the ad disappears.

H/T to Lando Calrissian (This deal is getting worse all the time) for the hookup.


Help me out with NPOCP. Click here to send a me a fixed-price tip, and remember to include your commenter handle.

Share This Story