BMW 3.0CS, Honda Acty, Nissan Patrol: The Dopest Cars I Found for Sale Online

This is my favorite kind of car ad, one in which a heavily modified car (in this case, an engine-swapped one) just “needs some love” to get back on the road. Y’know, minor things, like a new battery. Or, axles.

Okay, sure, that sounds bad, but the seller has the proper axles new and in box! Why didn’t they install them themselves and sell a running and driving vehicle? Listen, don’t worry about it, it’s fine. Buy the project car.

Why did we, as humans, stop color-matching our wheels to our cars? Did it happen as a result of the grayscaleification (it’s a technical term) of the auto industry, where cars simply lost all color worth matching? Or did we simply lose our character, sacrificing such trivialities to the altar of quarterly profits?

At least we still have these, classic Fiats that proudly wear their body colors on their steel wheels. This is how a car should be — not afraid to be a little fun. Modern cars are so serious, so balance them out with something Jolly.

If you’ve ever wanted a ‘70s Bimmer, this seems to be the one to buy. Not only does it have the gorgeous styling for which that era was known, it has something you’ll rarely find in 50-plus-year-old cars: A service history.

The seller of this 3.0 CS claims to be only its third owner and tells the tale of its storied life — purchase in Germany, a migration to America, even a shipment to Australia for paint and interior work. It seems immaculate.

Now look. I am not going to tell you to buy this truck for crimes. In fact, I am going to explicitly tell you not to buy this for crimes. You should not use this FedEx-branded truck as part of an elaborate heist, where its logos help convince a security guard that there’s no issue letting through the compound gates.

UPS doesn’t allow its trucks to be sold for this very reason, but apparently you can just buy FedEx vans like no one’s business. Do not use this for crime.

Speaking of good colors, we have a Midori Green Civic hatchback. Hey, Honda, if you’re out there, bring Midori back. Picture a current Civic Type R, with its wide fenders and tall rear wing, decked out in this beautiful shade of retro green.

Then, picture hordes of Midori Green CR-Vs taking to your local highway. It’s a much nicer picture than boring old white and gray, ins’t it? We here at Jalopnik stand with those who want more colors in their cars.

Before seeing this ad, I’d never heard of the Yamaha TDM. This was my loss, because it turns out the TDM is one of the best-looking bikes in the world. That exposed frame, the slim front fairing, the plastic around the dual headlights that could be off a miniature Harley bagger — this sport tourer is equal parts SV650 and Road Glide.

Of course, this particular example is helped by its paint. The seller claims it’s a Toyota paint code, off of an FJ Cruiser, and I see no reason to doubt that claim. It’s a pretty bike. Why not make it yours?

You know I love a beat-to-shit old truck. A truck that’s really just never had a good day in its life, one that’s been beaten and abused but always keeps going. A truck that’s been used, that’s done Truck Stuff, and that shows the signs of a life well lived.

Well, friends, here we have a beat-to-shit old truck. It’s got rust, body damage, panels that don’t fit right. The ad description is nearly as legible as My Immortal, so it’s of little help in determining what’s actually broken, but that doesn’t matter. You don’t buy this to restore it, you buy this to prop it up and keep it going just a little bit longer.

This is a late ‘70s Ferrari. It has a gated manual transmission, a high-revving engine behind your head, and bright yellow paint. What more do you want?

Well, if your answer is “details,” you can have a few. The seller claims a full repaint in the original color, plus a recently rebuilt motor and reworked suspension. It’s not quite a brand new car, but it’s not not one either.

Entry-level motorcycles are the cheapest (and likely safest) way to see five digits on a tachometer. I recently discovered my own G310GS has a shift light at about 9,500 RPM, but it’ll hit ten grand if you ask it to. This baby Duke, however, goes even further — it doesn’t even hit full power until the tach is over 10,000.

Of course, being the Baby Duke, peak power isn’t much. But for our purposes that’s fine — we’re not out here to die historic on the fury road, we’re here to listen to an engine screaming along at approximately one million times the speed of light. I will not be doing the math to prove it, but trust me that the inside of a 10k-rpm engine is moving far faster than the laws of physics allow.

I could have sworn I included this Acty in a previous installment of Dopest Cars, but it appears I’ve been depriving you all of this beautiful sight: A bright purple kei van. The world’s best car color on the world’s best type of car? Quoth the Pink Ladies, “Tell me more, tell me more.”

Well, there’s not a ton more to tell. The car was imported late last year, and has since had a full mechanical refresh — belts, fluids, water pump, the works. Even the lights have been updated with LED units, making this the single most energy efficient car in Florida.

There was a point, earlier this week, where I considered strapping a tent to my motorcycle and riding four and a half hours to a campsite — after leaving a show that would get out at one or two o’clock in the morning. I elected not to do this, in part because I don’t own a tent, but imagine how much easier my life would be if I just owned this Westfalia.

I can’t, unfortunately, own this Westfalia, due to the fact that it costs over half my salary and far more than my net worth. You, however, may be far older and wiser than me — and wealthier to boot. If so, you should get this Westfalia for yourself. And, y’know, maybe let me borrow it sometime.

Hey, was anyone going to tell me that Chevy used to make a wood-paneled Vega shooting brake? You were all just gonna let me figure that out on my own, wasting countless years that I could have spent pursuing the perfect example of this weirdest domestic car? Look at this thing. It’s terrible. I want twenty.

The angles on the front are all odd, the wood paneling is too big, the proportions are wild. This is up there as one of my favorite vehicles ever built, particularly in this pale yellow color. It’s so, so bad.

Here at Jalopnik, we have a lot of discussion about whether the final generation Dodge Dart was a good car. Or a fine car. Or worth buying at all, for any reason. As you might imagine, I’m firmly on team No for that one, and here’s why: The Dart used to be so good.

Plum Crazy color, 340 engine, hood scoops and boxy bumpers. This is a good Dart, far superior to the later econobox that bore its name. If you’re considering buying one of those, I would highly suggest one of these instead.

This seller makes no mention of the bouncy castles positioned behind this Patrol, so I am unfortunately forced to conclude that they likely aren’t included. It’s a shame, but the car is still good on its own merits — a two-door convertible ‘froader with retro style and Japanese reliability.

Just, y’know, don’t put bouncy castles in your ad if I can’t buy (or even use) the bouncy castle. It’s false advertising. You’re getting my hopes up for nothing.

Acura Integra Type Rs are too expensive. They’re all 60-thousand-dollar cars, we younger enthusiasts have long been priced out of the market. But Honda Integra Type Rs haven’t quite hit the same levels of pricing absurdity yet. Get in now, while the getting is cheap.

Sure, you’ll have to drive on the other side of the car, but you can get one of those dinosaur head grabber things for your trips to the drive through. For a half-off discount compared to the left-hand-drive version, you can learn to make it work.