Commercials! They pay the bills for your #content, but it’s OK to still hate them. So, when Cracked ran through “Six Bizarrely Specific Commercial Tropes That Need To Die,” I expected to commiserate over that weird blue goo in tampon ads again and move on. Problem is, the host picks on one of the only things auto commercials do right: scenic open roads.
There are plenty of things to hate about car commercials. “Real people” who miraculously can’t tell a Chevy from a BMW! The meaningless word “dynamic!” Everything Austin’s Scott Elder has ever touched!
I’m honestly not sure the host has ever gone “vroom-vroom fast” in her life, else she would realize that an empty road is a driver’s ultimate dream. I’m with her on how creepy empty city streets tend to look, but then she hates on commercials that feature winding mountain roads—you know, the best kind of roads. Does this woman even drive at all? “To me, mountain roads aren’t the lap of luxury, and speeding down a mountain pass in your fast, zoomy car is a sure way to get into a car crash,” says the host who has no earthly idea what she’s talking about.
You know, you can avoid a car crash on a fun, twisty mountain road by driving the car. That’s it. There’s no trick beyond that. Stay in control of the car that you, the driver, have been put in control of, and you’re not going to crash.
“I get that you want to show driving as a fun, cool thing, but why are empty city streets and mountain roads fun, cool ways to drive?” asks the host, opening up so many questions.
I mean—where else are we gonna show fun driving? Gridlock?
Look, reality may be a never-ending hellscape of traffic and woe for many city-dwelling drivers, but that’s why car commercials don’t show it. Don’t show me how miserable I’ll be in your car when we’re using it for regular driving. I don’t even want to share the road with most of the idiots out there, which is what makes these empty road shots so appealing.
The robots are coming for your keys anyway, and it’s going to happen in cities first to alleviate traffic. Let’s not talk down on the one kind of human driving that doesn’t suck.
Show me that twice-in-a-lifetime uninterrupted blast up a mountain pass, and let me fantasize about a better life, enjoying the car out where I can open it up.
An open alpine road makes even a Nissan Rogue look good, lady. A Nissan Rogue. There are few less enjoyable cars for a mountain pass than a Rogue.
Then again, nitpicking videos that point out things that aren’t even problems is a bizarrely specific YouTube trope that could probably die. Don’t make us make our own video, please.