Cars 3: Getting Old Sucks, Kids

Illustration for article titled Cars 3: Getting Old Sucks, Kids

I may be reading too much into this, but Cars 3 really feels like a movie rallying against Lewis Hamilton.

After hitting us with some dark shit teaser of Lightning McQueen exploding into a million pieces down a racetrack in dramatic slow motion, we now get a longer look at the upcoming Pixar movie about talking cars with eyes in the wrong places.

The tagline in the description of the trailer is “It’s not over until Lighting strikes ⚡️” but I can’t help but think you can’t have lightning without a storm. It just so happens the not-great goober in this threequal is Jackson Storm, a cartoon car I’m uncomfortably attracted to.


Storm is the next generation. He’s some seriously hot shit. He’s got some of that McLaren-esque full-room-immersion virtual reality race testing going on. He wins. A lot. He probably Instagrams himself squatting on top of his plane with some bullshit motivational quote.

Will McQueen get his old-ass shit together? Or is he old news? Time to retire? Time to drink and smoke in Radiator Springs, telling stories of how cool you were?

Nah, he’s gonna win in the end. Probably going to get the questionably stereotypical yellow sports car chick too. Yay kids! Watch your hero be torn down by everyone around him until depression motivates him back to the top, which is only a temporary fix on the linear lock of time we’re all struggling through!

Can’t wait for Cars 3 to come out this summer.

Reviews Editor, Jalopnik

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Tom McParland

So Jackson Storm is totally an EV right? If not a full EV some kind of hybrid with KERS or some shit like a McLaren P1. Why is a hybrid/EV car racing with ICE cars?

Yeah, yeah, talking cars and all that, but suspension of disbelief has a limit. That was my main issue with Cars 2, there is no way all those different cars from all those different classes could really compete. At least Cars 1 had all NASCAR/Stock Car style racers that were for the most part evenly matched.

Perhaps that will be the crux of McQueen’s win...he will outlast the batteries in Storm.

And WFT is up with the narrator? Is that Chris Cooper? Is McQueen going to go through Treadstone, get amnesia and kill Jackson Storm?

So many questions. All I know is that this will be the first movie my son will see in the theaters. I got him addicted to both Cars 1 and 2, so I’m pumped.