Image: Ram

There are no details about a pocket Bible left in one of eight Ram trucks stolen from a Warren, Michigan assembly plant this month, other than that the Detroit Free Press reports it’s been preserved for DNA testing by police. But, because there has to be more to this story, we’re going to imagine how it got there.

One bright, sunny day a couple of weeks ago, someone somehow connected to the oddly public heist was probably walking around, whistling, daydreaming of the theft—how they were about to steal a whole conga line of trucks from the factory, rolling them off of the assembly line and crashing them through a gate in a theft so well planned that even local police think the people involved had inside information. Then, of course, the thought train chugged right to the dream of how they’d strip the trucks and do God knows what with the parts.

(Maybe the person didn’t help in the theft. Maybe they just got in the truck afterward. Who knows. Go with it. This is for the sake of the narrative here.)

God! An interesting thought. This, naturally, had to be when the person decided to pick up a pocket Bible for the road—light(er than it could be) reading and guidance on prayer and such, for when the local police get on the trail, all neatly packed into a handy, pocket-sized booklet to keep nearby. (That is, of course, unless women’s jeans were involved. Women’s jeans don’t have real pockets.)

Anyway, said person with a pocket Bible was potentially too busy a couple of weeks ago to read it, as high-profile theft takes a lot of energy, you know. As we creep closer to the day the truck was found, since the Detroit Free Press reports that six of them have now been recovered, the person’s mind freed up a little.

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Another bright, sunny day probably came around after the heist, and the person was reminded of that handy pocket Bible. Picking it up and opening it, we can only imagine they flipped to the page that talks less about the blessings and more about the much less enticing topic of “rules.” Rules. Yuck.

About eight rules down in that darn Exodus section, something sticks out:

“Thou shalt not steal.”

“What?” the person thinks. “Maybe I’m reading this wrong? Maybe it’s one of those weird translations. Can’t be right. I’ll look it up.”

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“Bible hub,” they continue. “Hmph. Sounds trustworthy. Let’s try that one and see what this ‘commandment’ really means.”

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“Oh. This book must not be for me. I think I’ll try Harry Potter instead.”

And thus, the pocket Bible was left in the truck, waiting to be found by police and likely identify the person who decided it was their time to part ways with the handy, pocket-sized book that had a few too many rules in it.