Auto Forum Troll Of The Week: Chuck Norris Is A Mustang Cobra

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Last week we tested a new weekly feature we're now calling "Auto Forum Troll of the Week." Slaying forum trolls is a public service Jalopnik's always happy to do. First up? The NorCal-LSX Forums.


What happens when a troll purporting to be a 2003 Mustang Cobra fanboy wanders into GM forum territory and drops a bombastic tribute to his claimed chariot of choice? Trolling that reads like a Chuck Norris tribute novella. We've seen this type of character before, but never for the '03 Mustang Cobra. Obviously it must be because we didn't realize the weakest part of an '03 Cobra's drivetrain is the driver's neck. Read on:

Little Known Facts About the 03-04 Cobra
WhAts Up hOMiEs. I uSualy pOsT oN sTangNet or StREeT-RacInG.NeT, But I FIguRed i wOuLD poST uP hERe sINcE wE cAn ALL apPRecIAte sOMe cOlD hARd FaCts oN wHy tHe 03 CoBRA ownS YoUr FACES (as a whole).

  • The 03 cobra motor has been outlawed from NASCAR, Formula 1, and CART, due to the unfair advantage any team using the motor would have.
  • The weakest part of the 03 Cobra’s drivetrain is the driver’s neck, which is typically the first thing to break during hard launches.
  • The 16 cylinder, quad turbocharged engine in the bugatti veyron is bugatti's strongest attempt at replicating the power generated by the 03 cobra.
  • If you see the driver of an 03 cobra walking with a limp, it is not because he hurt his back - it's from getting laid several times a day.
  • The movie "Terminator" is actually a simulation of what could happen if the 03 cobra motor was to become sentient.
  • Top Fuel drag cars are powered by 03 cobra motors with a pulley, long tubes and a tune.
  • There is no material/element in existence that would be strong enough to be used for the engine block of an 03 cobra with bolt-ons and nitrous.
  • When filming Fast and the Furious, to get the cars to do wheelies they just swapped in stock cobra motors.
  • The amount of power generated by an 03 cobra motor with only 6 spark plugs and mixed wires with 3 gallons of gas could power the entire Vegas strip for a week.
  • NASA recently announced that all future rocket launches will be powered by 03 cobra motors
  • If the 03 cobra motor had a penis it would be the biggest in the world.
  • It is possible to roast coffee beans with just the exhaust coming from an 03 cobra a block away.
  • To make a time machine you do not need a flux capacitor, just the 03 cobra motor. "Back to the Future" was actually based on a true story involving an 03 cobra, but was disguised as a delorean so as not to give away any big secrets.
  • The land speed record is held by an 03 cobra with a pulley on highway 9.
  • It is physically impossible to be late to anything anywhere EVER if you are driving an 03 cobra.
  • Scientists around the world are petitioning to include the 03 cobra motor in the periodic table of elements.
  • Other than diamond itself, the only other known element which can cut diamond is an 03 cobra motor.
  • If you ever run out of gas in a cobra, chances are your moving fast enough to coast to your destination.
  • The 03-04 cobra has been determined to be the most significant cause of global warming, simply due to the heat radiating from the exhaust because of the sheer amount of hp the engine generates.
  • Scientists hypothesize that by coupling an 03-04 cobra motor's flywheel to power plants around the world, we can permanently put an end to the power crisis.
  • If you have ever driven past a cobra mustang, it was either on the brakes hard or parked.
  • If a gay man drives an 03 cobra, he comes out of the experience a homophobic straight man with a wife and 3 kids.
  • It has been determined that it would be impossible to stop an 03 cobra with a head and cam swap, because there would be no way for commercially available brakes to stop the car.
  • 99% of chevy and dodge guys have never driven an 03 cobra. This is a good thing, because if they did, GM and Chrystler would instantly go out of business due to a huge slump in car sales.
  • The nobel prize was awarded to the 03 cobra assembly manual.
  • The earth is being thrown off it's rotational axis by a man that mounted slicks on his 03 cobra and punched it from a stoplight.
  • Traction control was not invented prior to the discovery of the 03 cobra, as there was no need.
  • There are no commercially available tires which can harness the sheer torque produced by an 03 cobra.
  • The CHP ordered thousands of cobras but later backed out of the contract as they had a difficult time keeping the car straight and not wheelstanding
  • An 03-04 cobra could supplement the energy provided by the sun and bring an end to the next ice age.
  • The only WMD that needs to be sent to Iraq is an 03 cobra.
  • Default A Few more Facts about the 03-04 Cobra
  • On the 7th day, when God was pretending to rest, he designed the 03 cobra.
  • Lumberjacks use 03 cobra to uproot 300 year old redwood trees.
  • Freight trains are powered by cobra motors - however they need to be detuned to prevent the train from welding its wheels to the track.
  • A stock 03 Cobra with drag radials exerted so much force on the earth’s surface that it created the volcanic chain known as the “ring of fire.”
  • The power generated by an 03 Cobra motor can supplement the sun and bring an end to the next ice age.
  • An 03 Cobra motor is so powerful even superman is unable to handle the forces exerted under acceleration.
  • The Lockheed martin Joint Strike fighter disguises a cobra motor as a rocket engine to preserve the secret as to why it is superior to every other military plane ever made. Ever.
  • If a cobra motor was retuned to utilize its maximum capability, the engine would suck in so much oxygen that earth’s atmosphere would collapse and all humans would cease to exist.
  • Hurricane Katrina was caused by the turbulent exhaust flow of an 03 Cobra driving down the highway at 7000 RPM.
  • An 03 Cobra motor does not actually require fuel. The fuel tank is merely attached to an independent mechanism that burns fuel to retain the secret that could drive all oil companies out of business and crumble global economies.
  • If we were to build a freeway into outer space, it would be possible to prove the theory of time travel using an 03 Cobra.

Needless to say, a bunch a guys on Norcal LSX forums, a place dedicated to the love of the General's LSX motors, were not terribly receptive to this... this "Cobra driver" coming into their home turf and laying down a list of reasons "03 CoBRA ownS YoUr FACES (as a whole)." This is a variety of trolling we like to refer to as "being a dick" and this is a particularly excellent example. [Norcal-LSX]

UPDATE: Cached version of the Norcal-LSX page here.

(Auto Forum Troll Of The Week is Jalopnik's public service to the auto forums, helping them rid their threads of trolls lurking about. Do you have a nominee for "Auto Forum Troll Of The Week," send an email to tips at jalopnik dot com with "Auto Forum Troll Of The Week" as the subject line!)