Photo: Craigslist
Nice Price Or Crack PipeIs this used car a good deal? You decide!  

We live in interesting times and that calls for a car that can get you out of trouble when the shit goes down—a car like today’s Nice Price or Crack Pipe armored Jeep. Let’s see if its bullet resistance makes its price a hit it can also withstand.

You know, it’s frustrating when we lament the loss of American craftsmanship and then straight away dun a custom car like last Friday’s S54-powered 2001 325iX. There was a lot of ingenuity that went into that car, and without a doubt a good bit of sweat equity too.

That however, didn’t seem to faze those of you who deemed its $26,500 price to be too high. In the end, it fell in a massive, and somewhat sad 79 percent Crack Pipe loss. So much for living the Field of Dreams ethos of ‘If you build it, they will come.

If they do come, they might be just be coming for you. Did you ever think about that? If that were the case, what would you do? How would you get to the places you need to go should danger loom down nearly every unfamiliar avenue and dark alley that Waze recommends? Worse yet, how would you do so in the face of total societal collapse?

We’re seem to be well on our way to that end here in the U.S. as apparently there’s another mass shooting almost every day. And the only thing those in charge are willing to do in response is to send ‘thoughts and prayers.’ In the immortal word’s of Ned Flanders’ daddio, they’ve ‘tried nothing, man, and they’re all out of ideas.

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Well, I’ve got an idea, and it’s to buy this armored 1990 Jeep Wagoneer Limited. That way, if you ever have go to places where these sort of tragedies occur—you know, schools, bars, clubs, sporting events, concerts, movie theaters, strip malls, softball games, grocery stores, hospitals, peaceful marches, etc.—you will at least have a good chance of getting there in once piece.

The 1990 Wagoneer Limited was built on the XJ platform, but took its name and luxury appointments from the older and larger SJ, which had by then been renamed Grand Wagoneer. Offering leather seating, power accessories, and faux woodgrain panelling on the sides, the XJ Wagoneer Limited would be the platform’s fanciest of pants edition.

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This one tales that cosseting blanket of luxury accouterments and adds actual blankets of kevlar and laminated bullet-resistant glass. Those aren’t the only defenses the wagon offers either. It comes with a built-in siren/PA system, rear lamp cut-off for when you are being followed, back glass blinders for those who get to close, and best of all… smoke bombs.

Who hasn’t wanted a car with smoke bombs since they were like, nine years old?

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The armoring is level B4 and was done by O’Gara Armoring, the company that at one time built armored limousines for U.S. Presidents. That rating is baby bear middling, and is intended to protect at the most against handgun rounds. Above that is B5 designed to withstand an AK-47 attack, and the rating goes up to B8 which should shrug off armor piercing rounds. The windscreen for some reason goes unprotected.

It should be noted that this Jeep also has gun ports built into the doors, but in light of recent tragedies, considering this vehicle as anything other than a defensive tool is in my mind inappropriate and insensitive. Just wanted to put that out there.

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The Wagoneer has 140,000 mikes on the clock and Jeep’s stout 4-litre OHV inline six under its hood. That mill pumped out 177 horsepower and 224 lb-ft of torque from the factory, and carries a rep for tenacity. A halon fire suppression system has been added in there as part of the safety equipment, which is pretty cool. There’s also a redundant battery system with units under the hood and behind the hatch.

A three-speed automatic and Command-Trac NP231 AWD system send the power where it needs to go in typical Jeep-like fashion. Tires with run-flat inserts are fitted at each corner.

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The seller says that the brakes have recently been serviced, a job that included the replacement of the booster and master. Additional work has involved a new water pump and hoses. The ad notes that the car has been rigorously maintained over the years.

It’s described as being rust-free and looks pretty good for its age and the extra pounds it has to drag around. The paint is in good shape, as are the woodgrain accents. All the rubber seems intact and there are no dents on the bumpers or body. The interior shows some wear, with the driver’s seat showing the brunt. It’s not terrible, and it’s all burgundy in there which is nice.

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The downsides are power locks that aren’t powering any more, a lack of opening front windows, and a hatch that needs a stick to support it as the armor has proven too heavy for the struts. The title is clear and it seems to have current plates.

What on earth would you do with this thing? I mean in all seriousness, unless you’re some sort of drug kingpin or super-big asshole with lots of enemies, this wagon’s main attraction doesn’t seem to offer much value outside of cocktail party boasting rights.

Still, there’s an ass for every seat and that means there’s got to be an audience for this armored Jeep. The question is, should that audience consider it at its $8,495 asking?

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You decide!

Daytona Beach, FL Craigslist, or go here if the ad disappears.

H/T to boattlebot for the hookup!

Help me out with NPOCP. Hit me up at rob@jalopnik.com and send me a fixed-price tip. Remember to include your Kinja handle.