Alfa Romeo Spider Quadrifoglio, Griffith 200, Saab 9-5 Aero Wagon: The Dopest Cars I Found For Sale Online

I miss when tail lights looked like these. You’d see this style on Camaros, DeLoreans, and even Alfa Romeos — three to six separate rectangles, all with clear divisions between them like a stained glass window.

Not only do these lights need to come back, we need to go further. With modern LED lighting, we can turn those rectangles into ever more interesting shapes — triangles, hexagons, or hats. Someone, please, make tail lights out of clearly divided aperiodic monotiles. There’s gotta be at least one other person out there in the world who thinks that would be interesting.

I love to quote short Craigslist ads, so here’s the seller’s description of this Audi coupe in full: “Classic 1986 Audi gt car runs and drive beautiful no oil leaks everything is original in this car.” Did you hear that? Everything is original. This is incredible.

Every molecule of this car that left the factory is still present and accounted for, in its original condition. Belts, tires, sweat and hair from the assembly workers who put it together. Even the air inside, that oxygen and nitrogen trapped between its windows, is original. A wonder of the modern world.

The Honda S2000 inclusions in Dopest will continue until I get to drive one of these cars. You’d think that, as an esteemed writer of this webbéd site, I would have had the opportunity to do so. Not the case, I regret to inform you.

It’s not like Honda still sells them, and has a press loaner sitting in the fleet — these cars have all been released into the wild by now, and they’re only getting rarer. Whether wrecked in canyon corners or entombed in climate-controlled garages as investments, never to leave (both equally tragic fates for a car), the S2000s are dwindling. I hope I get to try one out before they’re gone forever.

I’ve never really understood the MG TD. It’s a vehicle out of time, looking far older than its actual year of manufacture, and it seems to have vintage functionality to match — even the heater on this example is aftermarket. What was the deal with these?

From another perspective, though, I do get it. By the ‘50s, this car was probably about 20 years out of date. Yesterday, I saw a woman walking down Flatbush Ave in a tiny midriff-baring pink tee shirt and Tripp pants — an exact facsimile of the fashion that dominated popular culture 20 years ago. Things that are two decades old are cool again, and maybe this MG was the same way.

This, at least, is an old car that I understand. I won’t pretend to know every single thing about this TVR-but-also-kind-of-not-TVR, but I know that it looks like a Ferrari 250 GTO that someone drew from memory. Maybe an E Type that got shrunk in the wash. Its proportions are Richard Scarry-esque, and for that I love it.

Look at the overall height of this Griffith, relative to its wheels. Now remember that this has a Ford V8 under the hood, rebuilt since new to run like a top. I imagine this car is an absolute riot to drive, and it must get the wildest stares on the highway.

This Westfalia contains a life lesson in its ad copy. Nestled between descriptions of the engine’s condition and claims of a rot-free undercarriage, there’s a little tidbit we could all stand to hear: “[N]obody is in very good condition, but needs a little attention.”

It’s true. Nobody is in good condition, the modern world is a stressful one and we’re all feeling its effects. To quote one of the great philosophers of our age, “Everything happens so much” — the rate of horrible newsworthy events seems to continually accelerate, and our connection to that constant news has only grown deeper as through modern technology.

The second half of that quote, though, is the real key. “Nobody is in very good condition, but needs a little attention.” Just a little attention isn’t enough to feel better, we all need to give ourselves the time and care it takes to stay in good health and good spirits — even if it feels like more than we’re justified in taking. Nobody needs a little attention, so don’t settle for such small amounts.

And, in much less deep news, I got to ride a motorcycle with an air-cooled, horizontally opposed engine recently. I understand it now, and I can’t get my mind off of the idea of buying a motorcycle with an air-cooled horizontally opposed engine. There is no philosophical layer to this, they’re just cool.

Unfortunately, even if I had the space and money for a second bike, buying an airhead BMW like this would mean I’d own two bikes with a roundel. I already have a Klim jacket and Arai XD4 helmet, I can’t be that much of a stereotype. It’s illegal.

Remember when Toyota made a two-door, manual transmission Rav4? I don’t, because I would’ve been four years old when the model disappeared from the United States. Do you remember it? Was it as cool as it seems?

If you don’t, the chance isn’t gone for you to experience one of your own. This example looks to be in largely solid shape, barring a few spots that appear to have rust forming — maybe crawl underneath with a flashlight before shelling out your cash.

These, though, I definitely remember. The humble Saturn Ion, with its weird-ass half doors, bearing a supercharger and a stick shift. Some folks claimed they looked better than the contemporary Cobalt SS, though I’m pretty sure that was weapons-grade cope from the people who couldn’t get their hands on a Cobalt SS.

The Ion Redline has always reminded me of some sort of snake, or perhaps an angry cat, with the design of its front end. With 205 horsepower, it certainly has at least enough performance shops to back up the face — if not enough to whoop a four-cylinder Camaro around a track.

And, speaking of Camaros, we have a bit of blasphemy on our hands. Why do people keep putting LS engines in RX-7s? It’s uncreative, it’s boring, it’s clear you want a Corvette instead. There’s already a two-seat convertible with an LS! Buy that instead!

Mazda invested so heavily in rotary engines because the company feared a forced merger with other automakers, something the post-war government had its eye on doing. To differentiate itself, give the company a reason to stay independent, Mazda turned to the Wankel engine — it worked, and Mazda remains independent to this day. But without those spinning Doritos, we may not have ever gotten the Miata, the MazdaSpeed3, any of the great enthusiast cars to come from the brand. By ripping the rotary out of an RX7 and throwing in another automaker’s engine, you’re doing exactly what Mazda built that engine to avoid — and removing the RX series’ most distinctive feature in the process.

It’s especially heinous when there are beautiful purple Silverados around that would likely be happy to take those LS engines. Though, perhaps this example doesn’t need one — the seller claims its 350 V8 is more than capable of hauling the two doors and short bed around. No restomod needed.

In fact, no mods needed at all. A throwout bearing, sure, but that’s regular maintenance — in the ways that count, this truck is perfect. A beautiful color, a perfect lift, tires that fit exquisitely. It’s a good truck.

People like to talk about luxury car depreciation as the best comfort bang for your buck, but I present an alternative option: Old Honda Goldwings. These bikes were the height of luxury in their day, as opulent as motorcycles could get, and yet you can trip over them for low four figure asking prices all day long.

These Goldwings often survive better than old luxury cars, too. After all, you’re looking at a four-cylinder Honda here — those are known for outliving stars, or at least persisting well into their red giant stage. Depends how often you change the oil.

This ad opens with the line “I have spent the last three years restoring and upgrading this 5-speed manual 2002 Saab 9-5 Aero Wagon with an open checkbook.” Music to my ears. As the former owner of a turbocharged, manual transmission station wagon that ate every penny I earned with mods and maintenance, I understand this Saab’s lifecycle intrinsically. If this owner is anything like I was, there’s nothing left here to break.

And this owner is, most assuredly, like me. They even mention my favorite phrase in wrenching: “While you’re in there.” This is the phrase that got me into $3,000 bills from an upstate race shop, the kind of thinking that led to a very thick folder of receipts in my file cabinet. Trust that this car has been made very, very good. I trust the owner, for they are me.

The Honda literati among you are likely looking at this Civic Si with suspicion. The body looks clean, sure, but this EM1 simply has too many lug nuts on each corner. Something is wrong here.

Well, it’s not so complicated. The car counts an Integra Type R five-lug conversion among its many mods, which also include a Seibon carbon hood and “All new suspension parts.” All of them. Every part. How bad could it be?

It took me a long time to warm up to the Street Triple. Those eyes, big and blobby and hanging out in the open, are just... so weird. They’re like a bug’s eyes, beady and disproportionate, and for the longest time I never understood the appeal.

Then, two things happened. One, I took a little test ride on a Triumph Tiger 800 — a different engine, sure, but a fellow triple. I didn’t like it on that bike, it didn’t seem to fit the ADV character, but I bet its smooth revving would be an absolute joy on the Striple. Second, they gave Mary Elizabeth Winstead one in Birds of Prey, and I’m a sucker for Helena Bertinelli. She’s just so fun.