Car buying site Carhub just sent us a new car-matching quiz based on what it calls an “Advance Algorithm Personality Test.” But don’t fall for any of that fancy mumbo-jumbo—the test is total poppycock, I tell you! (That’s right, I said poppycock. I’m going there.) There’s just no way my inner psyche yearns for these awful shitboxes. Right?
This new test, called CarTron, was apparently devised by “experts in behavioral science and statistics” including a Ph.D. in Social Psychology. Fancy stuff. The quiz includes personality tests meant to match people up with their perfect cars— personality tests that include random questions like this:
I took the test, and the results burned a hole into my soul (see the topshot). An Outlander and a Rogue I can almost excuse. Actually, no I can’t, but I will for now because of what’s sitting in the third position: A Jeep Patriot.
It matched me with a Jeep. Patriot. Everyone knows of my deep and abiding love for Jeeps, but... that Jeep?
This changes everything. All my life, I was unaware that I was subconsciously yearning for one of the shittiest cars of our millennium— the very embodiment of the dark era of Chrysler. Carhub says CarTron is “science-based,” and “100 percent guaranteed to be impartial.” How can I argue with that?
This realization may drive me insane. But I’m in good company, as my coworkers, too, are trying to deal with knowing that deep inside their hearts, they ache for truly terrible machines. Here’s what my editor Patrick George wants deep down, even though I’m not sure he’s ever even driven any of these cars:
And Kristen Lee, also a certifiable crazy person, somehow wants that crappy little Smart:
Jason Torchinsky—Jason Torchinsky, he, the king of air-cooled insanity and Indian micro-trucks!—has to go through the rest of his life knowing that the car for him is a brand new Audi hatchback on stilts:
Take this test at your own risk, because you may not like what you see.