When the lines between journalist, racer, and race official get so hopelessly blurred that objectivity takes a worse beating than a Porsche 944 connecting rod punching a hole in the block at 8,000 RPM... well, that's when you know you're watching the 24 Hours of LeMons! LeMons Chief Perpetrator Jay Lamm didn't completely loathe the LeMons coverage here and at Señor Lieberman's current employer, and the Black Metal V8olvo made a good impression
on the bodywork of all the other cars at the Altamont '08 race, so we've been invited to serve on the judicial bench at the LeMons South event on July 26th and 27th.
The judges at the 24 Hours of LeMons are known for their dignity and fairness, and we plan to break new ground in both areas. First, each of us has been cultivating judicial-style facial hair to lend added weight to our legal pronouncements; regardless of whether it's Zappa/Foghat style or the Black Gold Guy look, racers will experience William Rehnquist-like warmth and the fairness of the Moscow Trials when facing the bench at LeMons South.
But the facial hair won't be our primary innovation as we don our white wigs, grasp our
rubber mallets gavels, and prepare to dispense justice; we've decided to take on the thorny issue of jurisprudential corruption! Yes, there will be an Official Bribe Jar, placed right out in the open and available to any team wishing to ensure absolute impartiality. Say your Camaro's "305" engine needs those pesky quote marks removed during the Bullshit Factor inspection... and, gosh, did Toyota really put baseball-bat-diameter sway bars on the Tercel at the factory? Or maybe you got black-flagged and you're staring right down the barrel of the dreaded Max Mosley punishment- not to worry! A little rustle-and-clink in the Official Bribe Jar, and those SS-clad women drawing a bead on your posterior with their riding crops could be replaced by a painless metal pig welded on the roof of your car.
So we'll see y'all in Kershaw, and those of you who can't make it to the race should be sure to check this site early and often that weekend, because Mr. Arnold and I will be covering the story!