Sometimes, you wish your car had active camouflage...
10.) Going For The Manual Option
TwinCharged's dad is not impressed with dual-clutch automatics:
We had just moved to Hong Kong and our Mini hadn't been shipped over yet. My dad's colleague was kind enough to lend us one of her cars, a Golf GT, similar to the one pictured. It had the supercharged and turbocharged 1.4L engine and more importantly, VW's DSG gearbox.
Now my dad is a staunch lover and user of manual 'boxes. He's driven automatics before, but as far as I remember, the last automatic he drove before the Golf GT was my mum's Toyota Corona.
We stopped at a set of lights and my dad put it in P. The light turned green and he pulled the lever to move it to D. It wouldn't budge. This was a narrow road in the middle of the city, so nobody could pass and we were holding up traffic. We were forced to put the hazards on and figure out how to move it into D. After the traffic lights went through one cycle, we figured it out - you need to put your foot on the brake before moving the gear lever. There was even a light on the dashboard telling us to do so, but to both of us it looked nothing like a shoe. It was pretty embarrassing to say the least.
Suggested By: TwinCharged - Hong Kong Jalop, Photo Credit: Janitors
9.) Unintended Drifting
Driver errors. If it happens to F1 drivers, it will happen to you as well. klurejr learnt the hard way:
My most embarrassing moment came one day when I was on my way to work. It was a regular day just like any other. The tires on my car were worn, but still had life on them, the ground was cool, but not icy (SoCal). I was driving down an S Curve on-ramp like I do every day of the week and the next thing I know I am in an un-powered 4 wheel drift. The cement wall on the right of me approaching quickly, so of course I panicked and turned the wheel to correct. The car swapped on me and I corrected again.
As the vehicle headed off to the right again the cement wall ended and plunged off the embankment.
I literally ran over a small tree, the roots must not have been very good because the entire thing gave way to my presence and the rear end rotated around 90 degrees before the car came to a rest.
I jump out of the car and begin yelling at myself for being off in lala land instead of paying attention to what I was doing. To this day I still do not recall how the slide started. I was not driving fast on purpose (because I am very focused when doing that). I was not late for work. I was in no rush at all.
Suggested By: klurejr
8.) Coupeman
Mom didn't have a Veloster, so Goodspeed23 wasn't considered as husband material at the time:
I was dating a girl in highschool before either of us could drive (mistake), and her mother was going to pick us up outside school one day. I had never met her parents before.
When she pulled up, I opened the passenger door, flipped the front seat forward, and climbed into the back seat.
It was only a few minutes later that I realized it was a 4-door car, and I had made a massive idiot of myself. No one ever said anything.
Suggested By: Goodspeed23, Photo Credit: loubeat
7.) Mazda6 Meltdown
Mazda sedans make you forget about the law. Garrett Davis:
My Jeep was in the shop getting a new catalytic converter, and my mom let me borrow her shiny new 2006 Mazda 6. My buddy and I are getting off working the closing shift at a pizza place and we start talking about the car in the empty parking lot at around 1 AM. I tell him it's FWD, but has some decent pep even though it's just a 4 cylinder. Some how we decide it would be a good idea to see how it did with a good burn out, so I hopped in, pulled it onto the straight of the parking lot, kicked up the revs and dumped the clutch. It peels out a little bit, but nothing too exciting, so I pull it pack around, and turn off traction control and try it again.
You can probably guess that this is the point where things got very bad for us.
So I rev it up high, dump the clutch once again, and this time peel out across nearly the entire parking lot, because that's what I thought a burn out was at the ripe ol' age of 16. Immediately I see red and blue lights flashing from the adjoining parking lot from a cop who had been sitting there the entire time watching us, and he is pissed. he orders us to sit on the curb while he searches the car, and what do you know, my mom had a case of Heineken in the trunk that she hadn't unloaded from a trip to Costco earlier that day. There was absolutely no way the cop was believing that it wasn't my beer, and that I wasn't planning on drinking it right then and there. He tells me to prove it by calling my mom, telling her what happened, and have her tell the cop whether the beer was hers or stolen from her.
Not good.
I pretend to call her phone, and tell the officer that she didn't pick up because she was probably asleep. He says that if I can't get a hold of her that he'll impound the car, and she'll have to pick it up that way unless I could get her down there to take the car home that night. I tell him that my buddy and I will drive down to my house and wake her up myself, which he surprisingly let us do, as long as we took his car there. On the drive over we try to come up with a plan that will avoid involving my mom, and getting out of this, and come up with something, but it wasn't good.
We come back, 15 minutes later and explain to him that my mom and my aunt had left town to visit my grandma in the hospital (which was of course a lie since they had already come back from doing that very thing), and wouldn't be back until the weekend. Somehow the guy believes us and decides he doesn't want to punish my mom for some stupid thing I did, and agrees to let us go, but not until we poor out all 24 Heinekens from the trunk.
Come to find out a few months later when I tried to follow up, that he never even submitted the paperwork of the ticket, which was supposed to be for reckless driving. The gods of Hoon must have looked favorably upon me that night, because for a 16 year old kid, that was like getting away with murder. Tire murder.
Suggested By: Garrett Davis, Photo Credit: dbrooksNY
6.) Pool Party
ComradeSlow's mom has clearly seen worse before:
I was 21 or 22 at the time driving an '88 RX-7 with my girlfriend and her friend stuffed in the passenger seat driving around Sou Cal looking for something to do at 1am on a Saturday night. Our best idea was skinny dipping and best location was my mom's condo complex pool, so we drive over there, park out in front, strip down to nothing but a long coat and the girls are wrapped in towels, lock up the car, hop the fence, and have fun in the pool for an hour or so.
When the shenanigans are over, I get to the car and realize my keys are in my pants pocket, locked in the car, so at 2am wearing nothing but a long coat, I run down to my mom's condo and knock on the door. She is quite surprised to see me. I asked, "can I borrow your phone, your AAA card, and two blankets, and don't ask any questions". For some bizarre reason she complies with all, the tow truck is on the way, and I can wrap up the now very chilled girls in blankets while we wait. The tow truck driver doesn't necessarily realize what's going on until he successfully jimmies the door and I have to pull my wadded up pants out and fish through the pockets to get my AAA card and ID for him to finish up his paperwork, but he doesn't ask any other questions that I can recall and we are on our way.
Years later I decided to share the full story with my mom and she got quite a laugh out of it.
Suggested By: ComradeSlow, Photo Credit: rmhowie
5.) Blame It On The Moon
My X-type is too a real Jaguar had fun with his Saturn before becoming a Jaaaaag man:
I had spent the day partying and drinking on the beach in St. Augustine, after a full day of sun, ocean and beer I decided to sleep it off in my car. Knowing that I could get a dui just sitting in drivers seat with the keys in reach, I put the keys in the trunk reclined the passenger's seat and took a nap.
The problem was I was parked on the beach below the high tide mark, well the tide came in as they do, and the beach patrol came and rousted me telling me to move my car, in my panic I broke the trunk release lever in my Saturn, I had loaded the cooler in such a way that it blocked access to the trunk from the rear seat, my wallet which had an emergency key thoughtfully provided by Saturn was also in the trunk. So I had to stand and watch as the tide buried my car while waiting for a locksmith to come open my trunk while the beach patrol laughed at me.
Suggested By:My X-type is too a real Jaguar, Photo Credit: Getty Images
4.) They Got The Picture
Everybody knew about Chairman Kaga's friend's (right!) penis:
In college he and his girlfriend (now wife of 14 years) were gettin' it on in his '88 Mazda 626 at the end of a road by his house. A sheriff's deputy pulls up behind, no lights, and the cop sneaks up and smacks the window with his maglight. My friend is ordered to step out of the car, so he buttons up and complies. Now, my friend is the kind of guy who could become a millionaire by tending bar or waiting tables. He has the most effusive, calming, and easy going personality that all people and animals everywhere are instantly his friend. So when the cop asks if he has something in his pants, he grins, looks down at his bulge, and says, "yeah." The cop demands he drop 'em right there. My shellshocked friend doesn't know what to do until the cop puts his hand on his gun and says he's going to ask one more time. My friend has no option but to lower his jeans, revealing his (rapidly declining) big ol' boner to Roscoe P. Coltrane. He's patted down and threatened with a cavity search before the cop's radio barks to life, calling him off to an actual crime.
That would be the end of the story, except the cop's sister was a student at the same college, and within the week everybody knew the shape, size, and coloration of my buddy's wang.
He was known as Stubby for the remainder of his college career.
Suggested By: Chairman Kaga, Photo Credit: dave_7
3.) Super Troopers Is Real
Canada can be tough even in the summer. Just ask TokyoBayAquaLine:
I'm smoking weed with my buddy in my Z32 (Keep in mind, this is Canada I live in, where Marijuana laws are quite lax). T-Tops open. Late night. We're at the top of a cliff overlooking Ottawa... Just a gorgeous setup. We have some Miles Davis Quintet playing on the radio, and we're just passing the J back and forth, not really looking at each other... Just sort of soaking in the view, listening to the music, and reminiscing about times past.
5 minutes goes by, and my buddy has the joint... And he's been holding onto it.
So I stop spacing out, and I say to him "Dude... Wanna pass the J?"
"Dude I gave you the J, what are you talking about?"
"Nah, man, I think I'd know if you passed it."
The sudden realization hits both of us at once, and we immediately go apeshit searching the carpets and seats of the car, trying to find the perpetrator of what is likely to be the most unexplainable car fire in the history of Ottawa's car scene.
Through our rummaging, we hear a deep voice, say very sombrely, "You guys... Looking for this?"
We look above us, and there standing behind my side of the car is an RCMP officer... Holding the joint. We had been so inattentive in passing it that he had literally reached down and grabbed it ever so casually out of my friends hand after the last hit.
"Uhh... Yeah...", says my idiot friend.
The cop chuckles, and then says "If I see this car go down this hill, both of you guys are going to jail for a long time. Have a great nights sleep boys."
And with that, he walks off, takes a hit of the joint himself, gets in his cruiser, gives us the stare down and drives off.
Suggested By: TokyoBayAquaLine, Photo Credit: Super Troopers
2.) Public Duty
$kaycog needs more GT40s and less coffee:
My ex and I were traveling on I-40 in Arizona during a January after a snowstorm. We were about an hour East of Flagstaff and had just had a coffee break several hours earlier. The Westbound traffic came to a standstill because of an accident. After over an hour of just sitting there, Mother Nature was calling me. I was miserable and thought I was going to bust. The Eastbound traffic was sporadic, and when there was a lull in it, my ex went to the car ahead of us and asked the couple if they'd turn their rear view mirror around so I could relieve myself between our cars. I squatted and started relieving myself. In the cold air, the steam was rolling, and my ex was laughing his ass off. I couldn't stop, and then the Eastbound traffic started rolling by. You know what? At that point, I didn't care. After that incident, I never traveled without a coffee can in the car.
Yet, things can get ever crappier...
Suggested By: $kaycog, Photo Credit: Josh Kelahan
1.) A Right To Remain Very, Very Quiet
Here's a tip how not to behave with female officers is mr_gofast:
My 21st birthday, i got my buddy to drive my car so i could celebrate. End of the night, im massively sloshed and my head is hanging out the passenger window to facilitate the inevitable pukestorm to come. We get stopped by Ride Chek - a cops program put on every weekend during the spring and summer to check ppl for drinking and driving.
Long story short - we get stopped, cops check my buddy (sober) check me (not sober) and i take it upon myself to ask the cop on my side of the car to marry me..when she declines i puke on her shoes...
*ps did not get arrested - however did have to get up at 7am the next day to work*
Suggested By: mr_gofast:, Photo Credit: Shutterstock
Welcome back to Answers of the Day - our daily Jalopnik feature where we take the best ten responses from the previous day's Question of the Day and shine it up to show off. It's by you and for you, the Jalopnik readers. Enjoy!
Top Photo Credit: Super Troppers