In its infinite wisdom, the New York City Transit system has decided to stop shutting down the subways for repairs every weekend, and start shutting down the subways for repairs every weeknight. How will this affect you, the straphanger, and the "new breed" of trained subway thieves that prowl the trains to prey on you? Allow us to help you make sense of the new, improved New York Subway system.
Trains generally run every five to ten minutes, or more frequently during rush hour. The only exceptions are on weekends, on weeknights, on the G train, or at times when you absolutely must get to this meeting on time or you will be fired, in which case trains do not run.
Listen to the frequent subway announcements which urge you not to "openly display electronics." Then look around at the 98% of your fellow subway riders playing with Kindles, iPads, iPhones, and iPods, and chuckle. While you are chuckling, you will be robbed.
A single subway ride costs $2.25, but if you put more money on your Metro Card you will receive a bonus that is always equal to slightly less than it costs to take a subway ride, forcing you to add more money to your card, forever and ever amen. To avoid this hassle, simply buy a $104 monthly pass, which you will lose.
Finding your way around the New York City subway system is easy, simply by consulting a subway map. Subway maps are posted in all subway stations except for unfamiliar stations. Remember that all subway lines run through Manhattan, except for the G line, which does not run. If all else fails, ask directions from the MTA employee stationed in the booth in all subway stations, except for unfamiliar ones.
On crowded subway cars, do not take up more than one seat, if you can get a seat, which you cannot. It is considered polite to remove large backpacks when riding crowded cars, but who's gonna make you? Eating on subways is generally considered distasteful by your fellow riders. So? Any excessively loud music played on the subway should be yours, because there's nothing worse than being forced to listen to someone else's excessively loud music. Out of courtesy, never approach a stranger on the subway and ask for her number and ask her out and ask if she's really freaky, unless you can tell by her look that she totally wants you to. She does.
[Photo via John Hilliard/Flickr]