Hello and welcome to Eagle! It is 1990 and we are Chrysler’s newest brand for people who only want the best and most advanced cars that money can buy, provided they are made by Chrysler. If you could ignore the Jeep sign out front, that’d be great. Eagle makes only the most Sophisticated™ cars for the international consumer and people who fit the Eagle Lifestyle™.

Anyone else is welcome to check out the Plymouth dealership down the road.

You won’t hurt our feelings. We only want consumers who operate on Eagle’s level. With our advanced lineup of Talon, Premier and Summit, you’ll be wondering why you didn’t buy an Eagle sooner. Have a brochure and read it over. Before you know it, you’ll be driving an Eagle home.

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Here at Eagle, we judge our own vehicles on Aerodynamics, Ergonomics, Motorsports prowess and Integrity.

Aerodynamics

At Eagle we’ve calculated the drag coefficient of every car in our lineup to show you that we only have the most aerodynamic vehicles around. How do Eagle’s numbers stack up to the competition, you may ask? I can assure you that ours are better. Don’t even look in the general direction of Saturn’s cars or we will have you removed from the property.

Ergonomics

Eagle’s cars were definitely designed for humans and human-like organisms. You can probably see all the gauges and controls. Whatever appendage you have should be able to control the vehicle just fine. Don’t worry about it.

Motorsports

I can assure you that someone has competed in and/or won a race in a Talon before. It happened and I can probably prove it. See, this one has sponsors on it.

Integrity

One of our fine Eagle vehicles would never lie to you. Those frauds over at General Motors lie everyday like the Devil himself. Eagle is so dedicated to the truth that we back all of our cars with a seven year or 70,000-mile warranty for the powertrain and a seven-year or 100,000-mile warranty against rust.

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Even the natural passage of time and the slow degrade of the universe won’t stop an Eagle from serving you. How’s that for integrity?

Let’s take a step outside and look at our models:

The Talon TSi is the crown jewel of Eagle. As the old saying goes, the talon is the most important part of the eagle. Our competitors over at Saturn, Ford or whatever don’t have anything that even comes close to the Talon in terms of performance. Does Ford have an all-wheel-drive sports coupe named after a part of a bird? I think not. Plus, this thing’s got a turbo that’s even intercooled. We’ve learned from our past mistakes, and that’s the Eagle Lifestyle™.

Maybe the Talon isn’t talking to you? I’m sorry. We’ve really been trying to sell those things since Lee Iacocca came down to the dealership and yelled at everyone. Anyway.

What about an Eagle Premier, our flagship sedan? The Premier’s… premier features are comfort and interior space. You can fit whatever you want inside the Premier. I’m not gonna tell you what to do. It even has fully independent suspension! Other cars have that too but they don’t have a big ol’ Eagle on the grille, do they? Case closed.

I really do apologize. I didn’t think you would make it this far without buying a Talon or Premier. Our last model is the Eagle Summit. It’s named after a part of a mountain. Four-wheel disc brakes are pretty snazzy. I promise you it’s more than a Mitsubishi. This one says “EAGLE” on the back and has a three-year bumper to bumper warranty on it. That’s what all the cool people want, right?

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After you’ve had time to talk, we really do hope you come back and purchase an Eagle. We’d really appreciate it. Feel free to browse the Jeep lineup, but I think you’ll soon realize your mistake. Unlike those jokers at Jeep, we’re pretty confident this whole Eagle thing is going places.