Would You Rather: Pellets And Mosquitoes Edition

Illustration for article titled Would You Rather: Pellets And Mosquitoes Edition

You know what we need right now? A good game of automotive Would You Rather! You know I’m right, so stop fighting it, dammit. Just lay the knife on the ground and get ready to get your difficult decision glands all juiced up! Off we go!

Okay, so Would You Rather:

After accidentally getting your DNA caught in your car door, you find that your fundamental genetic sequence has been altered, giving you a remarkable new ability:

You can now excrete pellets that can be placed in tanks of any liquid, and once immersed, the pellet can create an infinite amount of the surrounding fluid. Drop it into a gas tank and boom, it’ll create more gas. Same goes for wiper fluid, blinker fluid, bourbon, Yoo-Hoo, anything. It’s astounding.


You can keep these pellets in your car’s gas tank and oil sump, in your bourbon cask, you can sell the pellets, whatever you want. If you have enough, you could make a whole oil tanker self-refilling, even.

Of course, there’s two catches: it it takes you a full day to pass one golfball-sized pellet and that process hurts like hell. Also, to make the pellet, let’s say you must ‘mate’ with a person you truly hate, because the biochemical magic of the pellet-creation relies on elevated levels of rageatonin or something like that.

or, Would You Rather:

While searching for the legendary Squirrel’s Gold in your crawlspace, you find the corpse of a gypsy woman, wrapped up in an old carpet. Wedged in her mouth is a small document that proves to be something astounding: a magical, universal title document. You simply take the document, roll it flat on to the hood or other flat surface of any car that you want, and the document magically turns into the title for that car.


Any car! The actual, legal title! It becomes YOUR car! You can even use it as many times as you want!

One catch, though: the car’s interior will always have a medium-sized swarm of mosquitoes in it. Even convertibles. Yes, you can legally have any car you come into contact with, but that car will be filled with the biggest assholes in the insect kingdom: mosquitoes.


So, there you go: unlimited fuel forever, but some seriously unpleasant business to get it, or any car you want, if you can deal with all those fucking mosquitoes.

Choose! Choose, like how you chose the form that Zuul would take back in the day!

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!: https://rb.gy/udnqhh)

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Looks like you got into the inky blue goop again, eh?

While the pellet shit sounds lucrative, it also sounds like a colossal pain in the ass.

Gimme the gypsy title and mosquitos. I can always:

1. Kill the mosquitoes. (Or is this a magical cloud of immortal or perpetually respawning mosquitoes?)

2. Sell the car and let the new owner deal with the mosquitoes and use the proceeds toward a legitimate purchase of a mosquito-free vehicle, among other things.

3. Isolate and contain the swarm using netting or another apparatus.