It’s been forever since we’ve had a good round of automotive Would You Rather, right? That’s terrible. You deserve better than that. Let’s get back into this with a brain-molesting question about cars, urine, and mind control. Sound good? Of course it does. You love this crap.


Okay, so, would you rather:

While digging in your backyard looking for the porn stash you hurriedly buried that time your mom showed up without calling first, you find an magical copy of a 1998 JC Whitney catalog. You open the catalog, and a beam of creamery golden light beams out from the stick-on vents section and hits you in the bladder, enchanting it.


From that moment on, you find you have the ability to increase the resale value of any car by 20% every time you urinate in the driver’s seat. This effect is cumulative, too, up to 200% of the car’s value, if you’re able to pee in that car’s seat enough times.

Sounds great, right? What’s the catch? Well, only one minor one: to make this work, your magic urine needs to be concentrated, meaning that you have to drink your urine first, then urinate it out for the magic to be effective.

or, would you rather:

You discover an online racing video game that you find incredibly fun and engaging. You play it for several months before receiving a message from a government agent that reveals that the game has been training you to be an assassin – a car-based assassin.


Realizing that the best way to eliminate people this government doesn’t like is via set-up auto wrecks, you learn that you have been conditioned and trained to take out targets with your car, and make it look like an accident.

When you’re picked for an assignment, you’re given a fake identity, travel to your target’s location, and a car of your choice (within reason for the job). After your assignment is completed, you’re returned home, and allowed to keep the car you used, which is repaired by your ‘employer.’.


You’ve become an amazing driver, you get a steady stream of free, mostly well-repaired cars of almost any cost, and lots of exciting travel! What’s not to like?

Well, you have no idea which government you work for, and some of your targets may be kids or women or people you just don’t understand why they’re a threat. And you know they’ll probably kill you if you quit.


Wow, that last one got dark, fast. Yikes.

So, which is it going to be? Urinate yourself to automotive wealth, or be an automotive assassin?


As always, I can’t wait to see what you think. Because I’m all up in your business.

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1973 Reliant Scimitar, 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!)

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