Would You Rather: Found Magic Abilities Edition

Illustration for article titled Would You Rather: Found Magic Abilities Edition

I’m out here in LA this week getting ready for the life-changing Jalopnik Film Festival, but I wanted to take a moment to be sure everyone had an opportunity to do some intense, important car-related thinking, via another Would You Rather. So let’s get to it.


Would you rather:

Thanks to a freak combination of ambient humidity, astrological alignments, and a sleeping wood sprite you thought wouldn’t see you taking those pictures of her, you have been granted with the magical ability to repair any car just by rubbing your face on it. Fantastic, right?

Almost. A side effect of this ability means that you’ve also developed an intense sexual attraction to cars, to the point where you’ve lost interest in all human romantic relationships. You’re one of those Dragoning people we always laughed about now.


Your strange diet of marbled rye and a thick, glowing paste you found bubbling up in your back yard has somehow altered your body chemistry so that you can now turn any car — in absolutely any condition at all — into a brand-new, factory-fresh 1979 Mazda GLC.

That’s right! Any hunk of rusted-out crap that barely even resembles an automobile you can transmorgrify into a lovely GLC, any color you want, right down to the window sticker. Of course, you also could transform, say, a Lamborghini Miura into a GLC, too, but I really hope you don’t.

Oh, and you have to do this once a week, or you’ll die. And you can’t just hoard the cars — if you have more than one in your possession at any given time, you’ll die, too. Maybe I should have mentioned that up front. Sorry!


Alright! Let’s see what you kooks pick!


The second one, and I’d use it for good.

Parking like an A-hole? *poof* GLC

Cutting people off in traffic? *poof* GLC

Riding my bumper in the right lane? *poof* GLC

Instead of deploying a stinger, cops will call me.