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Why Chuck Norris Drives A Nissan GT-R

Illustration for article titled Why Chuck Norris Drives A Nissan GT-R

Chuck Norris turned 70 last week. Rumor has it he bought himself a Nissan GT-R for his birthday because, frankly, they're so much alike. Here's how:

Reprinted from

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal to a GT-R.

Chuck Norris and Mr T. got into a GT-R and drove to a bar. The bar instantly exploded as that much AWESOME can't be contained in one place.

A tsunami that hit the Oregon Coast reportedly caused by an earthquake in Japan was actually the result of early engine dyno runs by the GT-R.


If you tattoo GT-R on your chest you will instantly become a superhero with the ability to take down Batman, Superman, Spiderman and the Hulk all together in a cage fight.

Order a Big Mac at the drive thru of a Burger King in a GT-R and they'll get you one. For free!


Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to the GT-R idling at rest.

In honor of GT-R, all McDonald's in Japan have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be GT-R-sized.


Han Solo thought the Millennium Falcon was fast until he drove the GT-R.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless a GT-R has driven by. In that case the grass is now scorched earth.


When taking the SAT, write "GT-R" for every answer. You will get a perfect score.

If you Google search "GT-R getting its ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.


Driving a GT-R Walter Rohrl completed TWO full laps of the Nurburgring in 7.48. He can no longer bring himself to drive a Porsche and will demo the GT-R's air conditioning at Nissan press launches.

Luke was conceived in the back seat of a GT-R.

The GT-R has no tachometer. Its engine speed is measured on the Richter Scale.

The GT-R doesn't need or want a HEMI.

There are no "GT-R Kill" threads on any automotive forum. A GT-R can't be beat.

The GT-R holds the lap record for every Formula One Grand Prix track ever used.

The GT-R can touch MC Hammer. In fact the GT-R ran his ass over.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears GT-R pajamas.

From now on The Stig will only drive the GT-R.

When the GT-R launches. It isn't moving forward, it's pushing the Earth back.

Diamonds can be created by driving the GT-R over lumps of coal.

The GT-R has no windshield wipers. The GT-R is too fast for rain to touch it.

Used oil from the GT-R isn't recycled. It's used as the major ingredient in energy drinks.


The GT-R was what Willis was talkin' about.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for a GT-R.

There are two types of cars…cars that suck, and the GT-R.

Upon hearing that a GT-R will run Le Mans next year, Audi pulled out.

Gran Turismo 5 will only have one car-the GT-R. Everything else is now redundant.


The speed of light is equal to the GT-R's top speed…in first gear.

The GT-R made the Kessel run in less than SIX par secs.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never been on a date with a guy in a GT-R.


Mr T. pities the fool…unless that fool is driving the GT-R.

Running the GT-R's A/C with the windows down will reverse global warming. On max it will cause the next Ice Age.


In Jurassic Park, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. A GT-R was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. Rules of racing: 1) Don't bring a Veyron to race a GT-R.


For the GT-R, every street is "one way". Whichever way the GT-R is going.

A GT-R running the Angeles Crest registered a 9.0 on the Richter scale at Cal Tech.


A GT-R once raced another GT-R. The GT-R was undefeated.

GT-R is not only a noun, but a verb.

The Death Star was an after-work project for the GT-R engineers. They sold it to the Empire to fund GT-R development. Then they sold the plans to the Republic for more development money, which they spent.


Carlos Ghosn authorized GT-R development due to his bitter disappointment upon taking delivery of a Veyron.

In the Bugatti Veyron top speed run episode of Top Gear, the GT-R was used as a camera car. Only one GT-R was needed to get both forward and rear shots of the Veyron at top speed.


After creating the GT-R, Nissan has shutdown all future R&D and will release no future models.

GT 5 cannot simulate the true speed of the GT-R. GT 5 cannot simulate the true speed of the GT-R.


When Bernie Ecclestone suggested that the GT-R be allowed to run in F1 all the other teams protested. Except Ferrari, they are already using a disguised GT-R.

The CIA mistook the GT-R hot weather testing in Iraq for weapons of mass destruction. No weapons of mass destruction were found because the GT-R engineers had finished testing days before the US invaded.


Increased melting of the ice packs was caused by the GT-R cold weather testing in the Arctic Circle.

Nissan announced it will run the GT-R in WRC in 2011. WRC will be a one make one car series in 2011.


Time waits for no man. Unless that man is driving a GT-R.

Nissan is suing NASCAR for using the term "Car of the Future". The GT-R is the car of the future.


Marty McFly's Delorean was actually an early prototype GT-R in disguise.

The GT-R caused Carrol Shelby's heart problems.

The GT-R gives Calvin stage-fright.

Jeremy Clarkson was speechless when he drove a GT-R.

The jet wash from the GT-R exhaust at launch will blow a 747 out of the sky.

Radar detectors are unnecessary in a GT-R. Klingon warbirds use cloaking technology developed for the GT-R.


The Earth's rotation is the result of the GT-R using the planet as a chassis dyno. Leap year is a miss-shift.

The GT-R is a flex fuel vehicle. It makes 480hp on tap water. On pump gas it makes 20,000 WHP.


Ferrari GAVE their development documents to Maclaren after they obtained top secret design plans for the GT-R.

The GT-R is the only thing on the planet that's faster than a Chuck Norris round house kick.


Every time a man sits in the driver's seat of the GT-R his gonads double in size. If a woman sits in the driver's seat of the GT-R she will instantly get pregnant.

Aurora Borealis is caused by the GT-R's headlights.

Mastering the GT-R at its limit is the final test for Jedi trainees.

The GT-R's daily diet consists of: Enzos for breakfast, Murcielagos for lunch, and Carrera GTs for dinner. The Veyron is usually a mid-afternoon snack.


The GT-R can procreate with other GT-Rs but it likes to bend Porsche Turbos over just for fun.

All Captains of Starfleet must first demonstrate their capability by driving a GT-R at Warp 5-attainable in third gear.


The only machine that can defeat a Klingon Warbird in battle is a GT-R.

GT-R is an abbreviation for an expletive screamed by the victims of ancient Samurai warriors in battle shortly before death. Loosely translated it means, F#ck Me!


Han Solo attempted to use his Millennium Falcon as a trade in for a GT-R. It shaved two bucks off the sticker price.

If Hulk Hogan asks you "What'cha gonna do?!" point at the GT-R and he will back off.


The GT-R's father is Chuck Norris. Its mother is an F-22 Raptor.

Floyd Landis is innocent of doping. His raised testosterone levels were the result of looking at pictures of the GT-R between stages.


The command screen on the GT-R contains Gran Turismo 6.

There is so such thing as traffic when driving the GT-R. When other cars see it coming they get the hell out of the way.


Chuck Norris now drives a GT-R.

A nod to: ChuckNorrisFacts for inspiration.

Copyright 2010 Autofiends/Hype Circle

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Like Chuck Norris, it's always been an unfunny joke and an old news.