Where Should Truck Nuts Be, Really?

Illustration for article titled Where Should Truck Nuts Be, Really?
Truck YeahThe trucks are good!

Everyone, everyone, get over here. Get over here now. This is important. So, everyone knows about Truck Nuts, right? Those fake genitals some people decide to hang on the back of their trucks? Here’s the thing about them: they’re all in the wrong place. So where should Truck Nuts really be?


The common place for truck nuts is hanging off the center of the rear bumper. Since a false scrotal sack with fake testicles is biological, it stands to reason that their placement on a truck suggests an overall mammalian biology for the truck overall.

In that context, placing Truck Nuts on the rear bumper would be the biological equivalent of having your scrotum hanging off your coccyx – which is clearly, demonstrably wrong.


If we assume a standard quadrapedial, bi-laterally symmetrical mammalian body plan, then the most rational place for truck genitals would be in the middle of the rear axle (rear axles would be analogous to the hind legs, in this example). Normally, that’s where a differential (on an RWD or 4WD truck) would be, and that’s sort of a scrotum-like object as it is, in the sense that it’s a roundish housing with funny bumps on it that houses and protects some very valuable and delicate components.

Differentials usually have a lot less hair, though.

Illustration for article titled Where Should Truck Nuts Be, Really?

So, I’m suggesting that if you really must have a pair of balls hanging on your truck, those balls should be mounted on or near the differential (or, if you have a FWD truck, midway between the rear wheels.

If you disagree, and feel there’s a more appropriate place for a truck’s testes, I’m willing to hear you out, but I’m pretty sure that I’m right here. If trucks were evolved like mammals, that’s where they’d be.

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!: https://rb.gy/udnqhh)

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sm70- why not Duesenberg?