We may have foregone last week’s Suckers Slides, but we’re back with a vengeance for the month of March. It’s all here — high-priced hot hatches, six-figure supercars, and some truly abhorrent listing photos. Grab your drink of choice, kick your feet up, and let’s laugh together at the tastes of those with far more money than you or I could ever possibly save. It’s good to be back.
NADA value: $10,900
If there’s one car that’s ever going to be worth double its book value, it’s a late-aughts Volkswagen hot hatch with a lien on the title and a set of photos that are almost in focus. Sorry, typo — that should read “one car that’s never, ever, for the love of god going to be worth double its book value.” The keys are right next to each other, easy mistake.
The Mk5 Golf was one of the best-looking eras that the car has ever had, and the VR6 under its hood made a still-respectable 247 horsepower. For $25,000, though, a fourteen-year-old VW certainly wouldn’t be my first performance-daily choice. Insert all your check engine light jokes here.
NADA value: $12,475
We can’t seem to get through an installment of the Suckers Slides without a late-nineties-to-mid-aughts diesel truck, the inclusion of which will get me yelled at on Twitter. This week, it’s a murdered-out Excursion with tacked-on fender flares, blacked-out windows and tail lights, and an accident on its record. It sold for thirty thousand United States dollars. Help.
In many states, excessively darkening your windows and lights is illegal. In all states, territories, countries, and other locations, it’s extremely dumb. Sure, it looks slick and clean, but it also means your car is downright dangerous at night. This is not a modification worth paying over double book value for.
New MSRP: $35,195
This Camaro LT1 was apparently a Chevrolet promo car before making its way into private ownership. That likely means each of its 261 miles involved one or more pedals pressed fully into the carpeting, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole thing smelled like fried brake pads, clutch, and tires. For all that wear, you’d at least think you’d get a good deal.
The LT1 trim of the current Camaro (not to be confused with the LT1 engine of the current Camaro, also present in this car) exists for one reason and one reason only: To offer a V8 for less than the Mustang. This car, brand new, costs $35,195 after a $1,195 destination charge. Stop paying new-car prices for used cars, I beg you.
Hagerty value: $24,000
When I was in the third grade, my dad actually had almost this exact 996 Porsche 911. His was a 1999, but it had the same blue exterior and convertible roof over gray leather. Much like this car, his also had no record of IMS work being performed — meaning the car could die at essentially any time. Is that worth nearly forty grand?
Commenters on this auction went back and forth about the IMS, some claiming that it’s a fatal flaw that should be addressed at this price point while others said to simply budget $2,000 for the work into the bids. If you can find a shop that will do an engine-out service on a Porsche, replacing the entire intermediate shaft, for $2,000 — do not trust that shop.
New MSRP: $84,950
At least our last nearly-new Chevrolet on the list sold for (barely) below MSRP. Supply of the C8 Chevy Corvette is admittedly tight, but how much of a premium is an immediate purchase really worth? Is there a business model in buying new cars, putting HREs on them, and selling them used for a profit? Is this hell?
There are no special or unique options on this car that make it any better than a showroom-fresh model. It’s not even a one-year-only color, let alone some special limited edition. It’s just an upper-trim red Corvette, like every other upper-trim red Corvette, only this one costs more than it did new for some reason.
Hagerty value: $89,200 in concours condition
This CTS-V wagon has a custom upgraded camshaft, 1050cc fuel injectors, a smaller supercharger pulley, and a host of track-day reliability mods. It also has 11,000 miles, which is less than the average American driver travels in one single year, yet this hopped-up family hauler has been on the roads for eight.
The appeal of a wagon is to have (most of) the practicality of an SUV but (pretty much) the driving dynamics of a car. If you never use that practicality, if the car is simply a garage queen or weekend cruiser, there’s no reason to bear the weight of all that glass and steel. This car is built to haul ass and groceries. Let it do both.
Hagerty value: $82,000
When I first got my 3D printer, I tested its setup and calibration by printing a tiny first-generation NSX. With prices on real cars like this one stretching into six ever-increasing figures, that little model is probably the closest I’ll ever get to owning one. Maybe I’ll print a slightly bigger model someday.
This particular NSX appears to be in excellent shape, barring a bit of interior wear accrued over the past eighteen years. Still, it’s disappointing that these cars will remain forever out of reach of most enthusiasts — they’re just investment pieces now.
Hagerty value: $104,000
When I was looking up values on this 1967 Chevrolet Corvette through Hagerty, initially the site gave me estimates at or above $200,000. As it turned out, I was looking at the wrong 427ci engine in a 1967 Corvette making 435 horsepower — there are multiple, you see, and this is the cheap one. In related news, I will be walking into the sea.
This sort of mentality is why I find it hard to wrap my head around the most collectible of classic cars. When every possible combination of engines and transmissions and bodies and options is unique, why are some (that appear identical in every aspect but price) so much more expensive?
Hagerty value: $78,700
In a twisted way, this Supra being worth more than that ‘67 Vette makes perfect sense to me. The A80 was the last of its kind, a purebred Toyota performance monster with all of the over-engineering that came from Japan’s bubble era. It’s a relic of a bygone time, a machine that allows you to experience an age that will likely never come again.
As Jalopnik’s resident New Supra Defender, I may even go so far as to say I’d rather drive the new one than the A80, but as a mark of historical significance that older Supra beats out the modern iteration. For over $150,000, though, it’s no longer that experiential time machine. It’s an object for which the over-engineering no longer matters, as its robust drivetrain and engine will never see their limits tested. It will be protected, hidden away, insulated from the world it once ruled. Shed a tear for the Supras that can no longer run free.
Hagerty value: $530,000
Why admire a piece of history, when you could instead admire something that references that piece of history? Why watch classic westerns, Kurosawa, or World War 2 filmography when Star Wars mashed them all together with lasers? Wy not spend the cost of a nice house on a car that looks like an older car that raced good that one time? These are the colors you remember! Buy!
Original GT40s bearing Gulf colors had incredible stories to tell, each one having lived an incredible life on the world’s race tracks. This Ford GT is those same colors, which makes it just as good, right? Sure, there’s no exact racing pedigree for this car, but who needs that? Look at the pretty colors, and spend a pretty penny.