Variety interviewed Vin Diesel, who made the bold, delusional claim thatFurious 7 “will win best picture” and that “nothing that will ever come close to the power of this thing.” Immediately after making these statements, I imagine Vin Diesel then drank the entire contents of a nearby fishbowl, eyes locked with the reporter.
Here’s the whole paragraph, just so you can really let the glorious delusion wash over you:
“Universal is going to have the biggest movie in history with this movie,” Diesel said in a lengthy interview with Variety for this week’s cover story. “It will probably win best picture at the Oscars, unless the Oscars don’t want to be relevant ever.”
Diesel took a breath, before offering his prediction for a second time. “This will win best picture,” Diesel said. “There is nothing that will ever come close to the power of this thing.”
Yes, Vin, that’s right. There is nothing that will ever come close to the power of that thing, Ever.
So, extrapolating from Vin’s prediction that Furious 7 will win best picture, let’s use the same deductive Diesel-brain power to make some other (hypothetical) Vin-dictions of the future!
“A talking otter who co-authored a paper on quantum entanglement will win the Nobel Prize for Chemistry. Also, the otter has a tiny lab coat.”
“America’s strategic ham supply will reach historically low levels, forcing the creation of SynthHam, a ham substitute made from cola tree rubber and spider milk. The ham-eating public will not react well, sparking the Ham Riots that will destroy Baltimore.”
“President Nathan Lane will be the first president elected from a third party in well over a century. That party is me.”
“The war between human drivers and autonomous cars will begin in 2017, when an automated Uber Prius accidentally kills a woman during a bout of rough human-car loveplay.”
“The entire Fast and Furious canon will become a religion, and its followers will grow in number and multiply, taking over all governments as we await the coming of the great Zee-eph, the infinite-geared one, who will deliver us from sluggishness and hurl us across the universe, where we will always be fast.”
Vin Diesel then will probably fling himself out a window, into the beyond.
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