Variety interviewed Vin Diesel, who made the bold, delusional claim thatFurious 7 will win best picture” and that “nothing that will ever come close to the power of this thing.” Immediately after making these statements, I imagine Vin Diesel then drank the entire contents of a nearby fishbowl, eyes locked with the reporter.

Here’s the whole paragraph, just so you can really let the glorious delusion wash over you:

“Universal is going to have the biggest movie in history with this movie,” Diesel said in a lengthy interview with Variety for this week’s cover story. “It will probably win best picture at the Oscars, unless the Oscars don’t want to be relevant ever.”

Diesel took a breath, before offering his prediction for a second time. “This will win best picture,” Diesel said. “There is nothing that will ever come close to the power of this thing.”

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Yes, Vin, that’s right. There is nothing that will ever come close to the power of that thing, Ever.

So, extrapolating from Vin’s prediction that Furious 7 will win best picture, let’s use the same deductive Diesel-brain power to make some other (hypothetical) Vin-dictions of the future!

“A talking otter who co-authored a paper on quantum entanglement will win the Nobel Prize for Chemistry. Also, the otter has a tiny lab coat.”

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“America’s strategic ham supply will reach historically low levels, forcing the creation of SynthHam, a ham substitute made from cola tree rubber and spider milk. The ham-eating public will not react well, sparking the Ham Riots that will destroy Baltimore.”

“President Nathan Lane will be the first president elected from a third party in well over a century. That party is me.”

“The war between human drivers and autonomous cars will begin in 2017, when an automated Uber Prius accidentally kills a woman during a bout of rough human-car loveplay.”

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“The entire Fast and Furious canon will become a religion, and its followers will grow in number and multiply, taking over all governments as we await the coming of the great Zee-eph, the infinite-geared one, who will deliver us from sluggishness and hurl us across the universe, where we will always be fast.”

Vin Diesel then will probably fling himself out a window, into the beyond.


Contact the author at jason@jalopnik.com.