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Reader Brian of Canada , apparently desperately wanting to get into Farago's Between the Lines series, takes matters into his own hands here, ginning up some kind of slightly disturbing tale of a man, his mother and a Bugatti Veyron test drive. Read the whole sordid tale after the jump.

Bugatti Veyron

Momma asked me what I was going to do with some of my trust money. I told her I m going to buy a new car. She said, I want to go for a ride in it before you buy it, OK?

Who am I to say no to momma? She can veto my spending!

But the test drive wasn t going to be easy setting up. I wanted the new Bugatti Veyron. I saw it as an investment. I looked at momma and figured that her arthritic 93 year old body would have trouble sliding into the car.

The nice salesman said he d help, even get all the boys out of the shop to help load momma into the car. I figured the motor hoist with the sling thing might come in handy so I was all appreciative and grateful.

To make a long story shorter (hey even the salesman was wondering if the commission to be earned was worth the troubles) momma was loaded into the right hand seat. Even with momma sitting on a cushion to comfort her bony ass, she had head room and so did I. I can not wear a cowboy hat in this car! I m about 6 2 and 260 pounds. Size 50 tall they call me at the men s shop.

Now the neat thing is that the Veyron is a two seater and bringing momma along means Mr. Salesman has to stay home because I m not buying something I don t first get to drive! For insurance purposes the salesman was going to tag along in a new Corvette kind of keep an eye on me. I guess leaving my gold Rolex as a security deposit of good faith fell short of the desired effect.

Even though momma is 93 years old she has likely never been in a car driven faster than 75 mph. She certainly has never been in one that looks like a Veyron and neither have I for that matter so we were both a bit excited. Momma does watch the Speed Channel on TV but I ve been thinking it s because she has forgotten how to change the channel on the remote.

Anyway I am just a wee bit concerned about her vital signs and how g-forces will influence her physical structure. I m not sure fast tracking to heaven in a Veyron is part of her metaphysical experience but time will tell.

I m not too worried about her puking and getting car sick as we ll be going too quickly for anything to clear her throat. But if she strokes out and falls to her left she may dislodge my right arm from the steering wheel and that could be disastrous.

So momma is belted in four buckle style. She refuses to wear a helmet saying it ll mess up her hair and I refuse for different reasons. This is a street car! What the hell am I doing wearing a helmet in a street car? Kind of like wearing leather racing gloves while driving to Wall Mart. What the hell s that all about, eh?

As we clear the dealer s parking lot I see many expressions on the faces of the service people, ranging from what the hell is going on here to isn t that man nice to be taking his momma for a ride to man that is a nice car, too bad there s such a dork driving it but his momma is cool!!

The on-ramp to the freeway is a how did we get here so fast kind of distance away. I swear I just touched the gas pedal and there we were on the on-ramp.

Got to love the AWD! Curiously there s no traffic so I stomp the gas. Immediately I sense this thing has way more pick up than my Subaru Outback. Momma s eye lids start peeling back. Funny how I notice that but time seems to slow down when things are moving so quickly. I m thinking I ve felt more acceleration in a jet on take off but I m finding out I am mistaken. I really can t lift my head off the head rest. Momma starts groaning and the portable blood pressure monitor I have strapped to left wrist is beeping.

I say, momma can I have this car? She kind of just moans.

That s not the kind of answer I want so I say, momma I m going to go faster till I hear a yes coming from you.

I tell you we are moving seriously fast now and I just know the car has more lungs for who knows how much speed. Momma groans and I take that for a yes. I slow down to regular traffic speed and notice that people driving by are waving and carrying on. I try to be cool and wave back but really do Bugatti veyrons drivers wave? Probably not!

The salesman in the corvette finally catches up and the worried look on his face goes away as I give him the thumbs up sign. Momma s BP monitor stops beeping. Could be we cleaned out some arteries on that run. She s breathing easier.

I asked her what she thought and she said it reminded her of her first date with dad. Ha! Ha!

We bought the car. The salesman was happy. The service people gave us a great send off and Henry our mechanic keeps it clean. Momma and I go out to the garage everyday just to look at it and it makes us feel better knowing it is there. Henry went for a short drive in it and his gait now seems to have more bounce! In small and large ways, life changes when you own a Bugatti Veyron.

Related:
Sports Car International On the Bugatti Veyron [Internal]