Unimog Buggy, Ford Pinto, Chevy Monte Carlo: The Dopest Cars I Found For Sale Online

Folks, this coming Monday is a total solar eclipse. You may have heard of it. Some of you may even be planning to go see it, if you can get the time off of work on Monday to watch the sky go dark in the middle of the afternoon.

Of course, the path of totality is narrow, so if you want to go eclipse-watching you'll likely need some way to get there. Not something boring, though — you need a fun chariot to whisk you away to the sun's demise. In fact, you'll need one of the internet's Dopest Cars.

There's something so interesting about a '90s muscle car in all white. It's a blank slate, a canvas made of curves without art or hard edges to break it up. You could put anything on this, couldn't you? Any design, any livery.

Adding a screaming chicken to a late-model Trans Am feels gauche, but maybe this one could do with some classic stripes from tip to tail. Something that follows the lines of the hood, maybe even leaving that nostril divider white as an accent. I'm just saying, you could do a lot here.

We've had Unimogs grace these hallowed slides before, but I can't say I've ever seen one quite like this. Every Unimog has off-road potential, they've all got ground clearance and traction, but none have quite this level of articulation. Or half doors.

The seller says this Unimog is, incredibly, still street legal. Granted, some credit for that may go to its Vermont registration — despite its New Jersey sale location — so buyer beware as to your own chances of registering it for the road. Good luck on your next annual inspection.

This is a very interesting genre of bike listing. The middleweight GS is beloved by ADV riders all over, with its ground clearance and capability, but this one claims to have not seen its share of adventure. The seller claims it's seen a single trip, and never been off-road. I'm skeptical.

The crash bars are somewhat understandable for a bike that's seen no mileage, as is the headlight protector — if you're meticulous enough, it's possible you may pick protection items up in advance. But the exhaust has changed color from heat, the rear tire shows chicken strips along the side, and other photos in the ad appear to show an entirely different windshield. The bike has 1,500 miles on it. How long was that one trip?

The seller of this vehicle makes four statements: It's from 1960, it's a Volkswagen, it was made for a movie, and it has a rebuilt engine. What engine? Who knows! Maybe one from a Volkswagen. This is probably a Beetle chassis, but that's an educated guess.

The included photo of a movie poster (as displayed on a computer screen) shows a film called "The Adventures of Sam Savage." As far as I can tell from Google, this movie was certainly filmed, though I can't find any record of its release. If you've seen it, tell us all more about this car in the comments.

This Supra advertises "no corruption," like it's a politician running attack ads on its opponents. If a Supra was running for office, who would it be running against? The nameplate is too young to be competitive in a presidential field, so maybe this is a local comptroller race.

Those headlights, though, speak to some sort of unsavory past. What happened to replace those classic sealed beams with these halo-eyed modern units? Who was paid off to cover it up? Follow the money!

This is really an ad that demands you scroll through every photo. The comic-style paint is on-trend, the shopping list on the doors is a classic bit, the front bull bar is fantastic — but look deeper. Look at the rear bumper, or the board that replaces it. Look at the pizza headliner.

This is a car built to someone's personal tastes, and I respect that. It's good to fuck up your cars. We should all fuck up our cars more, and this seller understands that.

This TVR was listed as a Lotus Elise, which I find deeply funny. The seller claims that Facebook doesn't have a TVR option, and I love the idea of just going "Ehhh, that other British sports car maker."

Lotus Elise shoppers, if I had to guess, are probably not cross-shopping with a 1986 TVR. Lotus Esprit shoppers are, maybe, or prospective Lotus Elite owners. If you're in the market for any of those older Lotii, though, this TVR offers quite a lot of pristine paint for its era.

Call me Natalie Imbruglia, because I am so torn on my desire to ride a 701 Enduro. On the one hand, I need to know how green the grass is over there — I've ridden single-cylinder bikes, I know I dislike their vibes, but maybe this one's counterbalancers are good enough. I can't know from this desk chair.

On the other side, one ride on a Husky might mean putting a for-sale sign on my BMW, and I know that's a bad idea. It costs money just to add capability in a form of riding I rarely do, and pulls me from the incredible reliability of my Rotax mill and towards the cantankerousness of a KTM-built dirt bike. Someone buy this before I can go test ride it. Please.

This is a Midnight Purple Evo IV. What else do you need me to say here? The color is a wrap, with silver beneath that's shown in the ad, and it's all accented with about as much yellow as you can add to a car's exterior using only parts sourced from Croooober.

This is a seller after my own heart, with the unimpeachable taste that defines my Jalopinions appearances. I'm very good at being right all the time in matters of taste, and I say this Evo goes hard.

The Cefiro is an odd one, a car we occasionally got as an Infiniti but never saw as it was originally intended — a Nissan, and a Nissan beloved by enthusiasts and tuners. This Cefiro has a 2.0-liter inline-6, the kind of oddity you just don't see any more.

Look at that intercooler, those Enkei RPF1s, the wood steering wheel and drift button. If I owned a Cefiro, it'd probably look a lot like this. It'd have the same rear damage from screwed-up drifts, too.

Take it away, Rosie.

I've never been a fan of landau tops, but this one may slide into so-bad-it's-good territory. It's so tiny, so vestigial, yet so necessary to this Cougar's styling. Sure, it stops well behind the sunroof, but can you imagine how anonymous this car would look without that accent?

It's crucial, of course, that the roof matches the pinstripe. That kind of consistency looks thoughtful, it elevated the styling. The Cougar needs that top, but it's still so dumb. Ten out of ten.

Remember Pontiac? I don't mean the days of GTOs and Bandit Trans Ams, but late-stage Pontiac — the pre-bailout era of General Motors. When GM didn't really know what to do with the brand, and just decided "Screw it, it'll be the performance brand. No, it can't have the Corvette."

These Pontiacs may not have had the styling of classic muscle cars, but they've aged incredibly well. Compared to modern offerings, this G8 GT looks downright classy — a class not necessarily matched by its cammed LS7. Remember, performance brand.

For some reason, these past few weeks have seen me get weirdly interested in Dynas like this. Maybe not the sissy bar and saddlebags, but the rest of the bike — the bikini fairing, the high bars, the forward controls. I don't know that I want one, but I just love this style, particularly when it's all blacked-out.

Maybe I need to ride a Low Rider S or something, get the bug out of my system. I'm the ADV girl here, and I can't take a Dyna into the dirt. Please don't send me videos of Dynas off road. The temptation might become too much.

An old Monte Carlo is cool, but an old Monte Carlo with a hole in the hood for an air cleaner is cooler. Hoosiers make it cooler still, a massive rollcage takes it even further, and the cammed big block really just seals the deal. This is a good car.

The details only make it better. Line lock, a hookup for a parachute, a turbo 350 trans running to a Ford nine-inch diff — yet, it still has air conditioning. The seller claims they "want more of a cruiser than a racecar," but this sounds like it has the makings of a perfect cruiser. Maybe swap the tires for street use.