Tuesdsay's Terrible Thought Tonight: Buttock-Wedge Brakes

Illustration for article titled Tuesdsays Terrible Thought Tonight: Buttock-Wedge Brakes

I have so many terrible, terrible ideas that it sometimes hurts to keep them all inside my head. That's why I'm starting Tuesday's Terrible Thought Tonight, a way for me to vent out some of these awful, awful thoughts. Let's start with this revolutionary car-control idea: the buttock wedge!

Here's the thinking: there's actually a fair number of accidents that occur from driver's inability to hit the brakes in time, or from pedal confusion, or even slow reaction time from brain to brake. It would be great if there was some way of helping with these sorts of driver's-fault accidents.

Maybe there is — what if I told you there is a way to increase brake response time, eliminate the risk of pedal confusion or even something as simple as a wet shoe slipping off a brake pedal — and what if I told you that solution was right in your own ass.


See, there's an instinctive muscular response in people to panic situations — involuntary buttock clenching. Chances are you've been doing it all your life without really realizing it. What if the power of that clenching ass could be harnessed for good?

Consider this: on the driver's seat, there's a small wedge that bisects the seat. It's not so tall that it necessitates pantslessness, but instead it just nestles in between your covered butt cheeks. It's got pressure sensors inside it, and when it detects the tell-tale rapidly clenching of the buttocks, it activates the car's brakes, and keeps them on until the ass relaxes.

Most likely a conventional brake pedal would be present as well. The ass-brake system would be used for rapid emergency braking, when you realize you're careening into the back of a car or off a cliff or into the yawning chasm of a live volcano. And even if your foot never gets the message to hit the brakes, or you accidentally hit the gas, or your wet shoe slips off, you'll still stop, because your lightning-quick ass muscles know better than you.

This could save lives, people. LIVES. Saved by the common, everyday human ass.

Of course, modern automatic sonar/radar-triggered braking systems do this better, and without that uncomfortable wedgie-feeling. Which is just part of why this is such a terrible, terrible idea.


Please discuss.

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John Rougeux

So would this usher in a new era of "heel-ass" downshifting?