TSA Agents Hate Touching Your Junk

Illustration for article titled TSA Agents Hate Touching Your Junk

"Don't touch my junk" is the rallying cry of the harassed traveler; "I do not want to be here all day touching penises," is the dejected slogan of the TSA agent. Won't anyone think of the junk-touchers?

The furor over the TSA's new pat-down techniques has made America junk crazy! Until a couple weeks ago, we were all content with letting our junk sink slowly into disuse and disrepair, occasionally catching a glimpse of it in the mirror and recoiling with horror. All of a sudden, though, our junk has become a precious jewel that must be protected from TSA domination. People are talking about naked protests in airports, proudly displaying their junk, where before even a glimpse of one's junk through an open fly could spell social ruination.

But, listen, travelers. Your junk is kind of gross. Especially to the TSA agents tasked with touching said junk. The travel blog Flying With Fish spoke to a bunch of Transportation Security Officers about the TSA's new "enhanced" pat-down techniques. They pretty much resent the policy, and they really don't like touching your junk:

Yesterday a passenger told me to keep my hands off his penis or he'd scream. Is this how a 40 year old man in business attire acts? He'll scream? My 3 year old can get away with saying he'll scream, but a 40 something business man? I am a professional doing my job, whether I agree with this current policy or not, I am doing my job. I do not want to be here all day touching penises.


Ouch. It's like if the British had seen all that tea floating in Boston Harbor, shrugged and said, "Meh. The stuff's all shit anyway." [via the Guardian]

Share This Story

Get our newsletter


I don't care if they touch my junk, just get me on the effin plane already. Anyways, you can take Greyhound if you don't wanna be prodded.