Toyota Hilux Surf, Saab 9-3 Viggen, John Player Norton: The Dopest Cars I Found For Sale Online

Sure, you could just buy a 4Runner, but why would you do that when you could get the same car with a fancier, flashier badge? A 4Runner only runs on land, but a Hilux Surf can venture into the ocean’s deepest, most unexplored depths. I mean, it can once. And you won’t get it back.

Functionally, the Hilux Surf is just a 4Runner. Aesthetically, however, it’s more interesting looking than its U.S.-market counterpart. This particular Surf also bears a Super Yaki “Honk if you’d rather be watching the 1999 cinematic masterpiece ‘The Mummy’ starring Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz” bumper sticker, which is worth at least a thousand dollars.

Is the Daewoo Lanos a particularly good car? No. But it is a car, one of the cars of all time, and you can buy this one for under $600. For that money you get all the car stuff—seats, doors, even wheels. What more could you ask for?

Sure, this Lanos doesn’t appear to actually run. The owner doesn’t specify whether it’s a commuter or a project car, but does say that it “probably” needs a new battery and certainly “needs to be taken to completion.” It looks pretty complete to me, so the next buyer may be able to score a deal on a nearly-running motor vehicle.

For some reason, this Detroit-area seller appears to have not one but two Fiat X1/9 Bertones for sale right now. This one is the browner of the two, so clearly it’s the one that deserves a place in Jalop slideshow heaven.

Its condition, also, makes it deserving of such a vaunted position as “Slide 3 of Dopest Cars.” The seller claims to have purchased this Fiat from its original owners, a couple who had both cars in a “His and Hers” arrangement. You, as the next owner, are not obligated to keep up the gendered division.

It’s a good thing I don’t live in Detroit, because I have really been hankering for an air-cooled BMW recently. I don’t know why—I have no space to work on a bike, and generally prefer ADVs as a motorcycling segment—but something about these speaks to me. I must have one, someday.

This one, in particular, is likely the one I’d buy. It’s just $800, one of three aircooleds for sale in a single ad. This is the most thrashed of the three, the furthest from reliable operation, and the one that gets the ASPCA music playing in your head. Rescue it.

I think cars need to bring back chrome. Not in the incredible, ostentatious amounts of the ‘60s, but chrome like this—bumper, tailpipes, and accent lines. The modern equivalent seems to be lighting, adding light bars and LED-display grilles, but lights can break. Chrome can stay shiny forever.

Beyond the chrome, there isn’t much to say about this Coupe Deluxe. The owner claims it’s a “V8 flathead southern car,” and that’s it. The rest of the ad is telling you to leave your phone number, so they can call you with details. They will not email you. No, they won’t give their phone either.

I’m calling this 9-3 the Viggen of Theseus. It’s been smashed in by a tree, it’s rusting away, it somehow includes five bent wheels out of a total of eight. The car has over a quarter of a million miles on it. It’s seen some shit.

Yet, here it is. Still running, still driving. Sure, the underside is rotting away, but nothing structural has damage. The car is tuned, making extra power, and still eager to throw some more miles on that odometer. Godspeed, and god bless.

You might be wondering why I — someone who owned a track-prepped NB Miata for approximately fifteen minutes — am telling you to buy a track-prepped NB Miata. Well, the simple answer is that they’re fantastic little cars to flick around a track. Just, try being shorter than six feet.

If you can pull that trick off, you’ll have one of the most enjoyable driving experiences out there for under $10,000. The roll bar, wheels and tires, and suspension are all sorted. You just have to go out on track and have fun.

I swear, this isn’t just in here because I have a soft spot for New Edge Mustangs. That’s certainly part of it, I’ll freely admit. But this ‘04 GT hides a secret, something more than just a standard Mustang mill: A supercharger.

The seller claims this ‘Stang makes 450 horsepower to the wheels. It’s geared to 3.73, and has a billet shift assembly for quick, accurate gear changes. Essentially, it’s one hell of a car to whip around your local track. Or grassroots drift event. Or grocery run.

Freshly-restored vehicles always seem a little... off. They’re too new, too pristine, too immaculate to ever be used as the cars they were intended to be. But a previously restored car, one that’s seen some mileage since its rotisserie, that’s a car you want.

All the big wear items, bushings and hoses and such, will be far newer. Modern technology will creep into the ignition, lighting, and wiring harness. This “older restoration” is a classic truck that you can actually drive, without it feeling like a pure style exercise.

I mentioned I was tempted by airhead BMWs earlier, but there is another wolf inside me: Plain-jane three-box sedans or wagons, the squarer the better. Old Mercs and Volvos are absolutely perfect for this, gorgeous in their design and often reliable in their operation when maintained. Oh, and dirt cheap.

Look at this, a well-maintained sedan for under $3,000. The odometer doesn’t work, and the air conditioning has long since leaked its refrigerant into the aether, but it’s an absolutely beautiful vehicle—especially for the price.

When I rode that Africa Twin through the rain last weekend, I did so behind Bob on a Gold Wing. His was kitted out, staring down a $30,000 MSRP, and was likely one of the objectively best bikes on the market. For long distance touring, you simply cannot beat a Gold Wing.

You can, however, beat the modern iterations in one particular aspect: Color. Look at this teal! So deep, so lovingly applied, and so teal. I want the ‘90s back, just so teal can come back into vogue as it so rightly deserves.

I have never, in my life, seen a police-spec Dodge Intrepid. I’ve never really understood this car in its base form, its styling all squashed and smoothed-over in direct opposition to its aquatic namesake, but apparently at least one other person did. That other person appears to have been a cop.

It’s possible this was copsplay, the act of dressing up your car in an ill-advised attempt to cut through traffic (it doesn’t work, everyone slows down for cops and makes you even later). The interior doesn’t look outfitted in any particular way beyond vinyl rear seats, meaning this may never gave been a real cruiser. Just doing it for the aesthetic.

I am willing to bet actual, real American dollars that this is the smallest camper conversion for sale today. Look at it! It’s just a little guy! An already-tiny sedan, converted to an even tinier truck, with the tiniest little camper top on its bed.

Now, sure, this “camper top” appears to just be a standard bed topper inside. No bunks, no lights, no gray water tank. But, c’mon, look at it. This is a friend-shaped car if ever I’ve seen one—and you’d win Tiny Truck Tuesday.

I say “sort of” because this is, in fact, a Jetta GLI body. It’s just sitting atop a Toyota Tundra frame and running gear, with the Tundra’s firewall beneath the sedan body. Which of those cars’ VINs do you use to register this one? Who knows! Theseus, probably.

This Jettra (Tundetta?) is apparently based on a running and driving Tundra. It no longer runs or drives, but could likely be made to do so again. You should daily drive this. Yes, you specifically. I dare you.

Usually, when you hear John Player, you think of black-and-gold Lotii with wide tires and wider wings. You probably don’t think of Norton race bikes. Maybe you should, though—these look extremely cool.

This isn’t some Bonnie with a fairing, it’s an actual period-correct race bike. These were sold in limited numbers in the ‘70s, and they certainly haven’t all survived until today. This one has, but it’s up to you to return it to its former glory.