If you asked childhood Elizabeth what her dream house would be, the answer would alternate between two different poles. On one hand, I wanted nothing more than to live in a literal castle like I was Sleeping Beauty. On the other, I desperately wanted to live in a Bass Pro Shop after seeing one for the first time. Racer Tony Stewart somehow managed to accomplish both of those things and add a race shop into the mix with his house in Columbus, Indiana — a house you can now explore on Zillow.
Stewart’s $30 million mansion has been on the site for a while (I can’t imagine it’s within the budget of the average home buyer these days), but every time it reemerges into my sphere of consciousness, I have to stop whatever I’m doing to take a look. Today, I’m finally going to do it. I’m finally going to wax poetic about Tony Stewart’s house.
Because first of all: Imagine pulling up to this every day.
Ah, yes. Living in a hotel and also a log cabin were some of my other childhood dreams, and this entrance really makes a statement. You pull up to this, and you can pretty much guess exactly what you’re going to find inside.
That is, of course, if you imagined that the interior of this house would be a bougie Bass Pro Shop:
Man, why can’t I walk into my foyer and have it also double as a mountainous waterfall crossed by a bridge and decorated with live fish and taxidermied animals? Why can’t I live that life?
That question is answered when you see the basement.
Ah, yes. I forgot. I am not a Cool and Rich race car driver who can afford to literally live in a home inspired by his sponsor. Foiled again!
The 19,714 square foot house stands on a whopping 415 acres and features six bedrooms and 11 bathrooms. The entire staff of Jalopnik could comfortably live here without even having to cross paths, which is something I envy almost as much as the pool table room, the bowling alley room, the guest house, the golf course, and the private lake.
Hell, I’d even just settle for a bathroom.
This is a house designed for a very specific genre of person, one who loves racing as much as they love hunting, fishing, and never leaving the house. That person is not me, unfortunately — though I desperately wish it was. I’ll just have to settle for my little ol’ house with a single couch and a bachelor pad aesthetic.