You pay obscene amounts of money just for the privilege of driving your car. But have you ever considered not doing that, maybe by not being a person with 10 points on your license and two DUIs to your name? Have you ever considered, instead, being a 55-year-old married man, with no speeding tickets, living in California?

Sure, it may be the very definition of purgatory, but that is what will get you the absolute cheapest insurance rate, according to insurance aggregator Gabi, which aims to get its customers good deals.

I asked them for bad deals instead, because I am a monster. Here are the numbers they put in for us to get that idea:

Our theoretical person would pay a mere $1,331 a year for car insurance. A person who is identical in every way except for being a woman would pay $15 a year more for her car insurance, because the patriarchy is real.

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But once you age beyond the unfathomable point of 55 years, your insurance begins to creep up again as insurance adjusters judge your senses to become ever more decrepit. And yet, you will never pay as much money to your insurance company as you did when you were young. The absolute worst person to insure in America is a theoretical single 16-year-old young man with four speeding tickets to his name, who will pay $10,005 a year for insurance.

Weirdly, if our boy gets married, he’ll be able to knock almost two grand off that figure, to a mere $8,307 a year.

Jalopnik Kids!-brand PRO TIP: Get married, children.

(For comparison, I am a 29-year-old married man living in Brooklyn. I have one red light ticket on my record, which to this day I dispute but the Man is trying to keep me down. I pay about $3,600 a year to insure a 2002 Lexus IS300 and a piece of crap Yugo. “Oh, beautiful Ballaban, why do you pay so much in car insurance?” you ask. I asked my insurance company the same thing. In so many words, they told me I was a moron for living in New York City, and though my place of residence is its own grueling retribution, I deserved yet more financial punishment for being a dumbass that lives here. I want to move, but you go ahead and try telling my boss that.)