This Is Why You're Not Supposed To Let Moose Lick Your Car

Illustration for article titled This Is Why Youre Not Supposed To Let Moose Lick Your Car
Illustration: Jason Torchinsky/Twitter

Look, I get it. It’s been a profoundly shitty year, and most of us would love nothing more than to get in car, drive up to the wilds of Canada and just let a moose go to town on the car with its tongue, licking that damn thing from bumper to bumper. It’s what we want, maybe what we need. But I’m sorry to say you can’t do it. I know, I know, shut up. It wasn’t my idea, but there’s a good reason.

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We know that moose love to lick cars. We even have video evidence of this deep, profound moosely joy:

Oh, yeah. You lick that car, moose. Lick the hell out of it!

Except, wait, don’t:

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So what the hell is going on here? Why do the moose love it so, and why must we deny them this beautiful pleasure?

Well, here’s why, according to a wilderness tour guide named Joe Urie, who spoke with the CBC:

The problem is road salt. Moose love it. According to Urie, the road salt is “kind of like crack” to moose, and if people keep letting moose lick their cars all over, the moose will get more and more comfortable around humans and cars, and that leads to all manner of problems that can end up harming moose, people or both.

So, if a moose approaches your salty car, moist tongue out and flapping, get away. Honk your horn, scare the moose away, drive away carefully. But, authorities are quick to point out, do not try to push a moose away with your car, because that’s a terrible idea.

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It’s worth noting that back in 2016 the Canadian government was all for just letting moose lick the shit out of your car. See, everything’s gotten shittier in the past four years, for moose and people.

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!: https://rb.gy/udnqhh)

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And here I was just thinking it was because they didn’t want the Moose tongues to get stuck on the cars...