This Is The All New 2015 Chevy Suburban

Illustration for article titled This Is The All New 2015 Chevy Suburban

Soccer moms and FBI agents, rejoice! It's the 2015 Chevy Suburban. What do you think?

We're live at the unveil in NYC this morning so we'll bring you more info as we have it. Here are the quick facts:

  • This is the 80th year of the Suburban, and this is the 12th generation. It's the Meet The Press of trucks.
  • The 2015 MY truck will go on sale in the first quarter of 2014.
  • They promise a wider rear track and a stronger frame.
  • Magnorheologicalicious dampers? Yep, magnetic ride is coming to the big trucks.
  • Fold-flat 2nd and 3rd row, because it's basically a big minivan.
  • Six USB ports/six power outlets, see above.
  • EcoTec 5.3-liter V8 that puts out 355 horsepower and 383 lb-ft of torque, mated to a six-speed auto. Direct-injection for better fuel economy.

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I thought we agreed to leave the obnoxiousness of the Excursion dead at the beginning of last century.

I don't necessarily hate Sport Utility Vehicles and I've never felt the urge to shame people over them, but if I saw some person drive up in one of these my eyes you'd be a fucking pig and part of the damn problem...ESPECIALLY in light of what the fuck has gone on with us and a certain part of this planet in the last decade or so.

I mean really, fuck you if you buy this.