This Blowjob Machine Designed For Teslas On Autopilot Is A Terrible Idea But Probably Not Why You Think

Illustration for article titled This Blowjob Machine Designed For Teslas On Autopilot Is A Terrible Idea But Probably Not Why You Think
Graphic: Jason Torchinsky

First, I need to be clear that I am not here to kink-shame anyone. Sex is great, masturbation is great, and you do whatever the hell you want to get yourself off, as long as everyone involved is thrilled to be a part of it. Now, with that out of the way, I have to say that I find the Automoblow, the “first sexual pleasure device for self-driving cars” incredibly alarming. The reason I’m alarmed isn’t because of the part that involves you shoving your turgid junk into something that looks like a cross between a smoothie-maker and a medical device; it’s because of the “self-driving cars” part. Because this fellate-o-tron is relying specifically on Tesla’s Autopilot, and, despite a lot of confusion, that’s not a self-driving system. So keep it in your pants.

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Illustration for article titled This Blowjob Machine Designed For Teslas On Autopilot Is A Terrible Idea But Probably Not Why You Think
Screenshot: Autoblow

I thought this may be a joke at first, but, no, this product seems to be a real thing one could actually buy.

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The website for Automoblow clearly states “Enjoy sexual satisfaction while your Tesla drives itself,” and that’s a very dangerous statement to make because, as you may recall, Tesla’s Autopilot system is a Level 2 semi-autonomous system, and as such needs constant attention from the driver to be ready to take over at a moment’s notice.

I’m not sure I’d trust a horny driver getting his dick worked by a tireless, mechanical blowjob-simulating machine to be in a position where they’re ready to take over if something goes wrong.

Illustration for article titled This Blowjob Machine Designed For Teslas On Autopilot Is A Terrible Idea But Probably Not Why You Think
Screenshot: Autoblow

The Automoblow appears to be an Autoblow A.I. converted to run on 12V (I’m assuming, as the original machine seems to work from a 110v to 240v wall outlet) and mounted on an adjustable arm that mounts into the center cupholder of the Tesla.

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Those little icons around the contraption are interesting, but I don’t feel like absolutely have to refer just to this thing. Spicing up “long road trips with occasional blowjobs” has been happening long before blowjob machines with artificial intelligence were even a thing, and, as far as “showing up to work feeling refreshed,” all I have to say to that is don’t be a fool: have your wanks in the company bathroom, on the clock, so you can be paid for your valuable “work prep” time.

That’s just being an adult 101, right there.

The website states it was “made especially for Tesla” though it could be used in pretty much any other car with a cupholder, at least for the passenger when driving, or the driver when parked. Really, at the present time, these options would be the only safe way to use this kind of thing in your car, as using it while traveling on the highway is as bad or worse than sleeping with Autopilot on, which is, as we’ve mentioned, idiotic.

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I suspect that this would be even worse; if this thing is really doing stuff like this to your junk while the car is driving:

...then I’m not sure how ready to quickly take over you’re really going to be, and, if a wreck does happen, you’ve got to deal with the added embarrassment of being found with your junk trapped in a motorized erotic thermos.

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Illustration for article titled This Blowjob Machine Designed For Teslas On Autopilot Is A Terrible Idea But Probably Not Why You Think
Screenshot: Autoblow

The website pitches this as a way to “add pleasure to your mundane daily commute” and while that may be true, not only are their list of reasons suspect (would this really make a great gift for a “Tesla-owning friend or family member?” Do you really want to give your dad one of these? And who are these “busy executives who don’t have enough time to masturbate at home?” Make time, dammit) but this is a genuinely irresponsible product.

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Autopilot just isn’t good enough to allow for the person in the driver’s seat to get fellated, either by a human or a machine. It’s not a self-driving system, and devices like this perpetuate that myth, one that Tesla does very little to dissuade.

Yes, one day in the future, when we have true Level 4 or 5 autonomous vehicles plowing the road, there will be all sorts of masturbation and sex happening in these cars, at speed, with delirious abandon, because we’re human and this is just part of the deal.

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Look, if you want to buy yourself a jerkoff machine, go, have at it. Use it in good health (though to be fair, the reviews on these things don’t look so hot). But remember, if you’re going to use it in your car, Tesla or otherwise, do it while parked.

Teslas are not autonomous, self-driving vehicles. They have advanced driver-assist features that can occasionally give the illusion of autonomy, but make no mistake—they are not there yet, and if the system encounters something it can’t handle, which is not uncommon, you have to be ready to take control.

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And you can’t do that while a robot is going down on you.

Oh, one more thing: while I was looking up the Amazon reviews for this thing, I noticed this in the “sponsored products related to this item” list:

Illustration for article titled This Blowjob Machine Designed For Teslas On Autopilot Is A Terrible Idea But Probably Not Why You Think
Screenshot: Amazon
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That’s a milking machine for goats and cows—are people really, um, upgrading from these BJ boxes to actual cow milking machines? That seems dangerous? Who are these absurdly hardcore masturbators? How do they stay out of hospitals?

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1973 Reliant Scimitar, 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!)

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DISCUSSION

nameiwillregret
IRegertNothing, CMDR 4th Antifa Light Dragoons

Can be used by driver or front passenger, or both”

Yeaaaahhh... If I’m driving you somewhere and you start giving yourself a mechanical BJ in the seat next to me, we are going to have a serious fucking problem. No smoking, vaping, or wanking in my car.

And what the hell do they mean “both”? This is strictly a “you poke it you keep it” device. I’m not sharing it with anyone and I’m sure as shit not going to lend it to borrow it from anyone either.