Hey, rich idiots! Do you secretly crave the lumbering, workhorse-like driving style of a Ford F-550 Super Duty, but don’t ever want to do any actual work, and really want to let everyone around you know what a colossal, pampered dipshit you are without even having to open your vape-smoke and Cristal-filled mouth?
My fine dipshits, are you ever in luck: for only $2.2 million dollars you can have it all, if by “all” we’re talking about the ugly, hulking mountain of overpriced trash-garbage that is the Karlmann King.
This auto show is the debut of this massive SUV made from, it seems, the finest pureéd wealthy jackass, pressed via advanced manufacturing techniques into body panels that simultaneously evoke an artistic chimp’s drawing of a stealth tank, if that existed, and a tanned heir to some pharma fortune passed out on a chaise lounge with a healthy amount cocaine rimming his nostrils.
The Karlmann King website describes this abomination in predictably wacky English, saying:
“Exceptional, treasure in collection. Diamond cuttings, inspiration from falcon. Exclusive customization, every Karlmann is the unique one in the world. Karlmann, designed by a team consisting of over 1800 people, produced by a world top-level custom vehicle manufacturer from Europe, aiming to provide an exquisite collection to the world.”
Inspiration from falcon? What falcon? The kind of falcon that got caught inside a boulder made of 10,000 pounds of the very idea that wealth turns people into shit? Fuck off.
Look at the front end of this thing. It’s like the designers wanted to answer the question of what if angry, fascist chipmunks possessed highly advanced military technology that allowed them to build massive war mechs in their own image.
Here’s the brochure for the Karlmann King, which makes pretty clear the target demographic they’re going for:
Incredibly, for all of the bulk of this brute, it only seats four money-gorged morons. The rear is taken up by two massive alligator-leather slathered La-Z-Boy recliners, with a sort of glossy dance floor area in front of them that I guess will end up being spattered in cocaine, Ketel One, and vomit.
Here’s the area in front of the seats, complete with gold champagne flutes and a coffee cabinet and metric tons of deep-seated insecurity:
It also has a 45-inch screen and a (soon to be outdated) Playstation 4 and those seats are massage seats and, oh, who the fuck cares. This thing is awful.
Oh, and in case you’re thinking that I’m being a little harsh, and maybe this just isn’t my taste because I’m some miserable plebe who can’t appreciate real quality when it comes up and bites him in the ass with gold-and-Swarovski-crystal teeth, let me show you this detail:
It’s not even raining or humid here, and this big stupid foglamp already has more condensation in it than the door to a hotel shower. They want people to pay two million dollars for this hunk of shit.
Also, check out the finish on the edge of this running board/shin destroyer:
Nice job, fuckups.
This thing weighs either 9,920 pounds or 13,320 pounds if you bulletproof it, which you should, because this thing will make anyone at least consider putting some bullets in you, and uses Ford’s 6.8-liter V10 that makes 398 horsepower. That combination will get you to a top speed of 87 MPH, which means this obsidian shitbox going flat out can be passed by a Yugo.
Look, if you’re the sort of person who has over two million dollars to spend on a car, and you spend it on this car, then I think you should seriously consider that maybe you’re not qualified to own and spend money for goods or services.
This thing is terrible. Ford should ban this company from using their honest, hardworking truck chassis as the basis of this pile. I hope there’s some humane act of regicide in the future for the Karlmann King.