You remember Furious 7, right? Specifically the scene where Dom and Brian are investigating a Lykan Hypersport that’s locked in someone’s penthouse apartment, leading to one of the most cringeworthy Vin Diesel lines of the series: “Nothing’s sadder than locking a beast in a cage.”
A group of Michigan thieves appear to have taken that quote to heart, judging by the selection of vehicles they stole from a Highland Township dealership last week. They made off with a Dodge Durango Hellcat, a used Charger Hellcat, a Ram TRX, and a Durango GT — the odd car out of the supercharged spoils, but apparently even thieves need a workhorse vehicle.
The theft was reported from Szott M-59 Dodge on Wednesday, September 29 according to The Detroit News. Thieves had broken in to the dealership’s front door, rummaged through a locker of keys, and driven two of the vehicles through the building’s windows to get them outside. If anyone from Stellantis is reading this, security camera footage of a TRX flooring it through a plate glass window would make for a five-second YouTube ad spot that I actually wouldn’t mind watching.
Other reports say that, in addition to their other escapades, the thieves duplicated keys to the stolen vehicles. What purpose that would serve, when they had access to the original keys, is unclear, but police did find a “computer device used to reprogram key fobs” inside the Durango Hellcat.
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That Durango was found soon after the initial heist, when it was used in a series of gas station break-ins. Those suspects, however, aren’t believed to be the same ones who initially stole the vehicles. Instead, it’s believed that group paid the thieves five thousand dollars for the Hellcat-powered family hauler. At $7.04 per horsepower, that beats the Camaro LT1’s record for lowest cost per horsepower for a new car by a nice $69.87.
While a Hellcat-powered Durango, Charger, or Ram may be the perfect choice for a getaway car — high horsepower crammed into an otherwise unassuming package, with just a few easily-removed badges distinguishing the beasts from their banal cousins — it’s probably best if police aren’t already looking for your vehicle when you start doing crimes. Like Nonna always said, break one law at a time.