Lists of most popular porn searches by country are sort of an internet staple, and there’s a certain lurid appeal to trying to see if you can define a national character by what gets them off. So far, though, no one has factored cars into the equation. Until now.

Thanks to the power of the Jalopnik Mainframe, a custom-built PDP-11 using meatus-bifurcation technology and housed in a vat of mineral oil in Jason Alexander’s Hollywood ‘weeping shed,’ we’ve been able to comb the search terms of most major search engines and pornography-distribution sites to find the most common combined automotive and pornographic searches by country. Here’s what we’ve got for the top-10 highest search-volume countries:

United States

Lesbian valvejob tongue

The US seems to love pretty graphic videos of girls getting one another oily while removing cylinder heads. And then probing tongues into valve seats?

United Kingdom

Austin Allegro MILF

This one was surprising, because generally, the Allegro is pretty unloved. MILFs we all knew the Brits were into, but the rest is a puzzle. There’s a surprising number of these videos

Germany

Radiator flush enema

With such a long, rich history of air-cooled cars, I was disappointed to see something radiator-related for Germany, no matter how sexy a radiator can be.

Italy

Young teen Fiat Panda massage

When I was in Italy, the Fiat Panda was by far the most common vintage car I saw, bar none. And I’m sure there’s plenty of sexy (but legal, of course) teens around. I just don’t get the massage angle. Do they massage the car? On the car? The car massages them? Horny, car-loving Italians, help me out.

TIE: the Netherlands and South Africa

Greased driveshaft love (Netherlands) and Headlight squirt

Both the Netherlands and South Africa had the same volume of searches, but the results are quite different. The Netherlands one is unique in that the results seem to be pretty gender neutral and equally terrifying, while South Africa’s might possibly be just automotive. Some cars had headlight squirters!

Brazil

Wheel Balancing Assplay

The first part seems innocuous, until you start seeing the results that were tagged to these. It’s not the wheel balancing you’re thinking of.

Japan

Sylvia Fairlady Cherry Bluebird

I think these are just the names of Japanese domestic market cars. They just seem sort of dirty all together. This one I think is just a coincidence. We’ll have to fix that in the search algorithms next time. Also, I checked: ‘bluebird’ is not a weird sex thing.

China

tie rod alignment Hot Carl

At first I thought this may just be another case of innocuous search terms linked together to make something unintentionally vulgar, but, looking at the searches and results, no. It’s worse than you think.

Albania

Driving instruction blowjob

Due to Albania’s relatively recent history with driving, it’s not surprising learning to drive has become so eroticized. These videos are so popular it’s pretty much expected to either fellate or get fellated when you learn to drive in Albania. It’s just like their parallel parking test now.

NOTE: Further study of the results suggests I may have made all this up.


Contact the author at jason@jalopnik.com.

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