These Are The Car Brands You Would Kill Off

These Are The Car Brands You Would Kill Off

There's a lot of agreement in this morning's comments

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Alas, poor Chrysler. I knew him, Horatio, although not what market segment he was supposed to target
Alas, poor Chrysler. I knew him, Horatio, although not what market segment he was supposed to target
Photo: Stellantis

This morning, we presented you all with a hypothetical. Benevolent aliens have visited Earth, and asked that you destroy one car company forever in exchange for the gift of interstellar travel. Not only did you answer in droves, some of you even didn’t just list the Stellantis brand lineup. Let’s see what you came up with.

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Infiniti

Infiniti

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Photo: Infiniti

With apologies to what all of these brands have accomplished in their histories... its a tossup between Infiniti, Mitsubishi and about 8 months ago I would have said Nissan as well. But in Nissan’s favor, the Frontier is a rather dashing truck and the new Z is ... well not yet out, but I’m eagerly anticipating it anyway.

oh my god I’d pull the plug off Infiniti in a heartbeat. Of all the asian automakers Nissan has got to be the one that deserves the least to have a luxury badge

In my years on this earth, I’ve known some truly wild G35/G37 owners. Vee Cue Boys, be they from the Infiniti or Nissan side of the family, always seem to bring a certain audacity that no other automaker’s fans can match. I respect their sigma grindset, and I fear a world in which they’re left unchecked. Killing Infiniti may bring about world peace.

Submitted by: OldManMcKenna/normalnik

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Ram

Ram

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Photo: Stellantis

RAM

keep those tow mirrors up guys

Here’s a question: When you think of Ram, does it feel like its own brand? Or does your brain still autocomplete “Dodge” in front of it, even years after the two split? Maybe the product placement in Twister just altered the chemistry of a young Steve’s brain, but Ram will always be Dodge to me. Doesn’t seem like there’s much to be lost by re-merging the two.

Submitted by: the_AUGHT

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Buick

Buick

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Photo: Buick

Buick!

I know it’s huge in China, but here in the US it seems like those cars are all rebadged models or could be rolled into another GM brand.

Special mention goes to Kyree here for an in-depth explanation of why GM is Like This. GM dealers that only carry one or two brands still want full-featured lineups, so Buick and GMC end up largely replicating what Chevy already has. The solution to this, it seems, is to merge everything in to one unified brand. Call it Mark of Excellence Motors.

Submitted by: Unacceptably Dry Scones

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Stellantis, as a whole

Stellantis, as a whole

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Image: Stellantis

Sweet mother of god - Stellantis.

When you’re responsible for Fiat, Dodge, and Alfa Romeo, you’ve polluted this planet with enough shitty vehicles you deserve to be eliminated.

And welcome back Jalop writers!

I will say, the merger of approximately one thousand brands into Stellantis has had a noticeably beneficial impact on one very specific thing: This slideshow. I was able to grab so many photos for these slides without ever leaving the Stellantis media site. I don’t know what it says about the company, that they seem to be collecting brands hated by the Jalopnik commenters like Pokémon, but it’s certainly made my life marginally easier this afternoon.

Submitted by: J-BodyBuilder - Never stick to sports

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Chevrolet

Chevrolet

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Image: Chevrolet

If we’re killing off a car company, it should be a big one to make it worth it, so I arbitrarily choose Chevrolet. Now it’s the Big Two.

Go big or go home. Chaos reigns. Picking an automaker just because it’s big, and its demise would send ripples throughout spacetime, is a move I respect. The Vee Cue Boys should take notes.

Submitted by: TheSchrat

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Chrysler

Chrysler

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Photo: Stellantis

You could kill off Chrysler and nobody would notice.

Two easy steps: put a Dodge badge on the Pacifica, call it a Grand Caravan again.

Cancel the 300 and just direct buyers to the Charger.

I have eliminated Chrysler with a minimal number of job losses.

Chrysler doesn’t seem to have released press photos of the 300 since 2018, so it certainly doesn’t appear to be the company’s highest priority. Killing it off in favor of the Charger almost seems like a no-brainer. Add in the Pacifica rename, and baby, you’ve got a stew going.

Submitted by: Citric

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BMW

BMW

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Photo: BMW

BMW - they know what they did.

Is this because of the 2-series Gran Coupe, or the 2-series Active Tourer? Either way, it’s the right move to make. If this is 3//4-series nose slander, however, I won’t hear it. They look better in person, I promise.

Submitted by: King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider

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Jeep

Jeep

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Photo: Stellantis

Jeep. They make one good vehicle (Wrangler) but 99% of those barely see gravel roads much less of road and are awful for what people use them for (errands and commuting). The rest are generic crossovers.

I respect the Wrangler as a vehicle for piling all your friends into on a nice day, when you want the top down but want everyone to still get some personal space. Even if they never see dirt or gravel, that alone is a selling point. Unfortunately for the Wrangler, you can get that same experience in a Bronco.

Submitted by: DC native

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Ssangyong

Ssangyong

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Photo: RL GNZLZ from Chile, CC BY-SA 2.0 , via Wikimedia Commons

Ssangyong. I have a lot of respect for South Korean engineers, but the company who approved this (and the Rodius too) shouldn’t be allowed to exist:

Have you ever heard of pareidolia? It’s a quirk of our brains, the phenomenon of seeing human faces in inanimate objects. It’s why we see car grilles as mouths and headlights as eyes, no matter what certain colleagues on certain other sites may mistakenly believe. It’s also why the Ssangyong Actyon looks so off — the grille is above the lights, like something out of Bustleton Auto. Make it go away.

Submitted by: edu-petrolhead

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Elio

Elio

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Photo: Balansboy, CC BY-SA 4.0 , via Wikimedia Commons

Elio Motors. If your goal is to disrupt the market as little as possible, go with the car brand that has existed for 15 years without ever selling a goddamn car.

The only press release on Elio’s website right now is titled “Elio Motors announced intent to produce an electric version of its popular vehicle.” I might use the word “popular” to describe the Toyota Camry or the Honda Civic, or other cars that I see out on the roads, but I guess there’s a definition of “popular” for which Elio fits the bill. Probably.

Submitted by: IRegertNothing

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