Automotive awards are so damn boring. I can't remember which car company won the WAPOW or the NECTARINE, and which one had the magazine ad with the trophy in it. I'm too busy with my ADD and this copy of Entertainment Weekly.
Apparently in Hollywood, this month marks something called "red carpet season." If, as we say, "the car is the star" — rhymes like this are like chocolate chips to our inner Cookie Monster's underdeveloped prefrontal cortex — then why we not give out car awards during award season?
And so, befuddled by so much zazzy magazine writing, I give you The Winners Of 10 Automotive Awards That Should Be Handed Out During Red Carpet Season.
Winner: Ford Fiesta ST
If you'd only seen him flub his way through the 1998 season of Saturday Night Live or watched the Queen Latifah vehicle Taxi (probably at gunpoint), you'd be forgiven for assuming the impish new host of The Tonight Show had the goods on someone. Did Jimmy Fallon send his resume to SNL in an envelope with photos of Lorne Michaels feeding body parts into a wood chipper?
And then, BAM, here he comes with Bill Cosby and Neil Young and the thank you notes and The Roots and THE DOORS DOING THE FREAKING READING RAINBOW SONG!? Christ. Who knew the kid had any talent at all? The Fiesta ST is exactly like that, but a car.
The Jennifer Lawrence Award For Can They Stop Talking About The Ford Fiesta ST For Two Goddamn Seconds?
Winner: Ford Fiesta ST
Winner: SRT Viper
I can appreciate how deeply a certain segment of well-fed men feel about the Dodge/SRT Viper. Men who wear black bowling shirts with flames on them. Men who enjoy a good contraband cigar dipped in Hennessy XO. Long may the stripper glitter in their mustaches sparkle amongst the craps tables. I wouldn't want to be the one at SRT who reads their angry e-mails when they find out Viper shirts don't come in XXXL anymore.
Winner: Mercedes-Benz G-Class
It's the truck that keeps on... dammit, I had something for this. Anyway, the G-Wagon has nearly gone extinct so often, it's like a small-clawed, domestic animal known for not dying eight times — or like the legendary "Mr. Entertainment," Wayne Newton. Either way, Mercedes-Benz only keeps the G around so the children of Russian coal moguls can carpool from Kuznetsk to the Brandy Melville store in Moscow, and because they make nearly 100 percent profit on the damn things.
Winner: Jaguar F-Type V8 S Roadster
Who'd have imagined a bar singer (and YouTube video star) from the Philippines would replace the guy who replaced Steve Perry in Journey? The amazing story of Arnel Pineda (told in the 2012 documentary, Don't Stop Believin': Everyman's Journey) underlines the internet's global reach and massive pop-cultural influence. What pipes this guy has! He could sing the smirk right off the Mona Lisa.
Of course, if the guys in Journey were really smart, they'd kick Pineda out of the band, hire a Jaguar F-Type V8 S Roadster as their front man, and change the names of all their songs to BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH! They'd draw massive crowds again, and never have to even look at another Six Flags.
Winner: Acura NSX
Who's Dita Von Teese? Are you kidding me? Learn up, son. Anyway, Acura's been getting us cranked up for the return of the NSX since 2007, when it rolled out its first Advanced Sports Car Concept. In 2012 we got our first look at the NSX in concept form, followed by a trickle of pertinent info, including where it would be built (Ohio) when it would arrive (by 2015) and which celebrity would be the first to get one (probably Jerry Seinfeld). And then, nothing. You've got a year left on that promise, Acura. Let's see some sports car, or I'm going to have to recall that thing that happened in junior year with that girl who did that thing. And trust me, I don't want to remember that.
Winner: Tadge Juechter
Tadge Juechter is the chief engineer of the Corvette program, from which sprang the new Stingray and Z06. Think it was easy for this modern-day Henry Higgins to transform the Corvette from The Sports Car with the Tribal Tatoo into a legitimate Porsche fighter? Think again, Jack.
The guy's a walking lesson in the power of Zen. Learn everything you can about how he manages a successful sports car operation that's tucked inside a colossal, multinational corporation crawling with rabid, bone-crunching devil-accountants. You'll never complain about anything ever again.
Winner: Honda Crosstour
What would Loki drive? Let's see. Loki craves attention, he has a lack of empathy, he's a habitual liar and he's a power-mad manipulator. But despite all that, we feel for him. We want Loki to win one, even though we also want Thor to smash him into hair glue with that hammer. See how conflicted we are? Really, it's Tom Hiddleston's performance that sells a minefield of feelings in a way not many other actors could. That's how the Honda Crosstour makes us feel. Angry, sad, sympathetic, spiteful. Conflicted.
Winner: Mercedes-Benz S-Class
Remember the story of Narcissus? He was the Greek hunter who fell in love with his reflection, and ended up starving to death because he wouldn't leave the side of his own beauty, even for like a minute to go get a Greek salad and an extra side of grape leaves at Gyros Express. That's the risk of staring at your reflection in the gorgeous paint of a Mercedes S-Class. Death by starvation and a broken heart.
What's the deal with Jared Leto? Genius or insufferable tool? What's the deal with Mini? Ahead of the curve, or wayward misplacer of anything resembling a playbook? I don't know the answer to those questions. All I know is the BMW-owned company, founded on the ideals of the original Mini Cooper, once made sharp-handling economy sports coupes. Now it builds cartoon ambulances. What happened there?