The Way This Dumb Commercial Talks About Cars Shows That Everything Is Actually Bullshit

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The world is complicated. Really complicated. Unless you really know something about a given subject, it’s very easy to be dazzled by impressive-sounding jargon. This Charles Schwab commercial relies on this, and in so doing, accidentally reveals that everything around us could be heaps of total bullshit. Because of cars. I’ll explain.

First, you should watch the ad:

So, these two painfully serious people sure seem wildly competent, don’t they? These joyless fucks know something about everything, and they don’t seem to shut up about it. Look at those smug-ass, competent, capable bastards achieving their way through life. Makes you kind of want to smack their confident little faces, right?


Well, stay that hand, buddy. Because these two dipshits are clearly just poor deluded bastards like the rest of us. How do I know? Because they showed their hand when they were at that Ford dealership that only sells de-badged white cars. Let’s just recap the dialog from the car-shopping segment of this ad:

MALE SMUG-ASS: So should we go with the 467 horsepower?

FEMALE SMUG-ASS: Or is the 423 enough?

SALESGUY: Good question. (dies inside)

No, it’s not a good question. It’s an idiotic question. It’s idiotic because the whole premise is idiotic, though part of me likes the idea. I sort of like the idea that there’s a car company building cars with many engine options separated by 44 horsepower jumps.


Or, maybe this company offers engines in roughly nine percent power increments?

I don’t know. I mean, 44 HP is a decent jump in power, sure, but the idea of 467 HP vs. 423 HP being the key question for this couple just doesn’t seem right at all. I mean, shit, even 423 HP is a hell of a lot of power for most anyone, right? I mean, when the Lamborghini Countach first came out, it was making 370 HP. Do these people really need possibly almost 100 HP more than that?


Maybe. Maybe the woman is about to say

“My daily commute involves a pretty tricky jump over a ravine; will 423 HP provide me with enough power to reliably clear the jump?”


Or maybe Mr.Factoid will chime in with

“When picking our daughter up from soccer, I’m frequently pursued by a group of Russian spies driving Audi A7s. Will 467 HP give me the speed I need to elude them? I’d prefer to limit the gunplay aspect.”


Who the fuck are these people?

I hope the question of whether or not these people would need that extra 44 HP was followed by a detailed assessment of the average amount of weight, to the pound, that they’d be carrying in the car would be, average headwind speed, and determining if their desired ideal average speed is 44 MPH or 46 MPH.


This could go on for hours with these two. One of them probably made a PowerPoint deck.

Clearly, the writers of this ad just pulled some car-related shit out of their ass, which means that likely all the other things these people are saying is about the same level of bullshit. Which means that potentially everything is bullshit! It’s all falling apart! Nothing is real!


Oh god. Hold me.

(Thanks, Peter!)