Last night, I finally saw Incredibles 2 at the local drive-in theater. While this already provides the tenuous car connection necessary for me to write about it on Jalopnik, it turns out Pixar’s latest creation is filled with dope vehicles that deserve recognition.
But this is the real world and we can’t all win trophies, so I’ve decided to rank all the major vehicles in the movie from least to most incredible.
Mild spoilers below, I guess.
Eight Place: The Ambassador’s Helicopter
The ambassador’s helicopter doesn’t even register on our scale of incredibility. It’s a regular helicopter. That’s it.
More than that, it doesn’t even have a particularly luxurious interior. If this is how we treat our ambassadors, it’s no surprise that the State Department is in shambles. I mean, the pilot has a TV in front of him but the ambassador has to look at her shoes?
Our diplomats serve an incredibly important role. They deserve more than this candy-ass helicopter.
Seventh Place: Underminer’s Tunnel Bore
Incredibility: Fleeting moments of wonder
Some may be surprised to find the Tunnel Bore so low in the rankings; perhaps that speaks to the overall level of vehicular excellence displayed in the film.
While a massive drill that can destroy anything in its path certainly gets points for power, the truth is the tunnel bore is introduced and dispatched with relatively quickly. While we first met the machine in 2004, its on-screen time in the movie is just a few minutes where it fails to steal the show. Had it made better use of its time or played a more vital role in the plot, it may have come higher in the ranks.
But in a world of fleeting fame, Underminer’s Tunnel Bore never stood a chance.
Sixth Place: The New Super Fast Electric Train Thing
Yes, the The New Super Fast Electric Train Thing almost killed everyone on its first trip. But if there’s one thing Elon Musk has taught me, it’s that the technology of the future’s awesomeness is not diminished by potential disregard for human life.
And I certainly wasn’t the only one inspired by Ol’ Musky. The New Super Fast Electric Train Thing seems to be at least partially inspired by the Hyperloop, though a slightly tamer version. Either way, it’s a nifty new age of public transportation and certainly more likely to do public good than the Tunnel Bore.
But just as a general rule of thumb I’d say finish the tracks before putting a train full of people on them.
Fifth Place: This Dictator Style Limo
Incredibility: Moderate to severe
As far as we know, this limo has absolutely no special abilities. It also is featured extremely briefly and plays no role in the actual plot. But it looks a lot like a Mercedes 600 Grosser, and that’s great.
Fourth Place: The Incredibile
Incredibility: My dude it is literally in the name
The Incredibile (pronounced incredi-beel) packs all of the crime-fighting features you’d expected into a svelte, coupe package. It has sophisticated voice recognition, self-driving functions and built-in rocket launchers.
So how could it rank anywhere but first? Simple: It’s too showy. There’s no character, just gadgets and gizmos to cover up for its lack of charm. You have to respect the Incredibile, but you can’t love it.
Third Place: The Elasticycle
For an example of true vehicular excellence, look no further than the Elasticycle. While the Incredibile provides dozens of services completely unrelated to Mr. Incredible’s talents, the Elasticycle is a perfect companion to Elastigirl.
It’s wonderfully simple; a quick electric bike that can break in two should Elastigirl need to do some high-speed gymnastics. It doesn’t do everything for her, it just allows her to be the best hero she can.
Second Place: The Hydrofoil
Incredibility: Maximum overdrive
I hope it isn’t news to anyone reading that hydrofoils are inherently rad. It’s a boat that can lift most of itself out of the water, skimming along like the dreamy surfer bro in a teen beach movie.
But the ship in Incredibles 2 takes the fundamentally great concept and takes it to dizzying new heights of greatness. The conference room, for instance, is below the water when the boat sets off. Floor-to-ceiling windows give you an incredible panoramic vista of the ocean around until the captain dips into the throttle, at which point the boat will lift its bow out of the water and your conference room will be in the light again.
But the most important feature is that the hydrofoil has an escape plane built into it. Life boats are cool, but escaping on a futuristic plane that’s part of your boat is so much more incredible.
First Place: The Parr Family Wagon
I won’t deny that our first seven contenders are fantastic. High-speed public transit, massive tunnel bores, autonomous cars with anti-tank weaponry and hydrofoils all can certainly make a case for themselves. Each one is capable of at least one impressive feat.
But you know what’s really incredible? Getting the kids to school on time.
The family wagon doesn’t ask for your applause; it knows its job is thankless. It simply transports the family where they need to go, year after year, without drama. It may be incredibly mundane, incredibly boring. But it does its job perfectly and isn’t some over-stylized crossover, so it gets my nod as the most incredible vehicle in the movie.