BREAKING NEWS: The Transportation Security Administration isn’t good for anything except laughing at your flabby naked body and molesting disabled children. If you want to know what a wasteful joke of security theater the administration really is, look no further than a new report that shows how often they failed to find bombs and weapons undercover agents tried to smuggle onto planes.

ABC News reports an internal TSA investigation conducted at dozens of the country’s busiest airports revealed agents managed to sneak banned weapons and mock bombs past security in 95 percent of trials conducted. NINETY-FIVE PERCENT!

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The agents were part of a group called “Red Team,” trained to be really-smart pretend “super terrorists” who, if they were real, would be competent enough to blow up a plane if they wanted to. Unlike, say, the TSA, which is only competent at being fucking terrible all of the time.

According to officials briefed on the results of a recent Homeland Security Inspector General’s report, TSA agents failed 67 out of 70 tests, with Red Team members repeatedly able to get potential weapons through checkpoints.

In one test an undercover agent was stopped after setting off an alarm at a magnetometer, but TSA screeners failed to detect a fake explosive device that was taped to his back during a follow-on pat down.

A day after this report went public, the Department of Homeland Security — which oversees the $7.4 billion TSA — reassigned the agency’s acting director Melvin Carraway. DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson also directed the TSA to implement a number of reforms following this report, so we’re all good now and everything is fine.

A former TSA administrator, speaking to NBC News:

Meanwhile, terrorism experts stress that the threat levels remain high.

“There’s a continuing drumbeat of interests by terrorist groups, whether al-Qaeda or al-Qaeda affiliates, to try to bring down a Western — especially a U.S.-bound — aircraft,” Pistole said.

Bend over and stay afraid, America! The TSA is here to save you, and touch your balls.


Contact the author at patrick@jalopnik.com.

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