The Top 10 Steam Games to Play in Your Tesla

Tesla’s promo materials for Steam compatibility keep using in-game footage from Cyberpunk 2077, but there’s a slight problem with that: Cyberpunk 2077 isn’t actually verified to work on the Steam Deck. Sure, that doesn’t mean you can’t run it, but we’re talking about one of the buggiest AAA games in recent memory — a game that routinely hard reboots my own high-powered gaming PC. Do you really want to risk running that on your car?

Nope, it’s safer to go with a Steam Deck-verified cyberpunk game. And, if you search “cyberpunk” within Steam’s Deck-verified store, you’ll get exactly one named title: Cyberpunk Fighting, which appears to be a very basic 2D RPG. It costs 28 cents, and it’s from a studio that’s primarily known for hentai and furry sex games, which are both sure signs of a spectacular gaming experience. No word on whether Cyberpunk Fighting contains any anthropomorphic animals getting down, but it’ll cost you less than a pack of gum to find out.

Okay, so, maybe you’re less interested in “games with ‘Cyberpunk’ in the title” than in “open-world RPGs from CD Projekt Red.” That’s fine, look, there’s no accounting for taste here. If open-world action be something you wish, The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt is certified for Steam Deck use. It’s also routinely hailed as one of the greatest games of all time, if that helps you decide.

Of course, Tesla claims Witcher 3 has been playable in its cars for quite a while now. That’s objectively not true — or it wasn’t, until today — but that never stopped the company from saying it. The game even shows up in promo photos for the Model S, despite not appearing in the car’s Arcade function. Now, finally, Tesla owners can do a thing that Elon Musk swore they could totally do the whole time.

If you own a Tesla, you’re probably tired of looking at everything wrong with your car. Every morning, you have to stare down that thin paint in your garage. Every time you charge it, you’re stuck gazing at those uneven panel gaps. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a car where everything worked, everything lined up correctly?

Car Mechanic Simulator 2021 may not allow you to fix your own Tesla, but you can at least feel the satisfaction of fixing some car. Crawl underneath an I-Can’t Believe-It’s-Not-An-EG-Civic, swap the brakes on an I-Can’t Believe-It’s-Not-An-AE86, or even tune up the engine on an I-Can’t Believe-It’s-Not-A-Ford-Focus-RS. Live your functional, well-assembled car dreams through the world of gaming.

Let’s say you’re a Tesla owner, and for unrelated reasons you’re deeply interested in the idea of sentient automobiles hell-bent on murder. It’s just a genre of fiction that appeals to you. Maybe you watched Christine at a formative age. Regardless, you own a Model S or X, and you like self-aware modes of transport that actively want to do physical harm to human beings. My friend, have I got the game for you.

Choo-Choo Charles is a recent release, having only come out last week. That means you have the chance to get in on the ground floor of what’s sure to be the next big game in the cultural zeitgeist — a survival horror title about killing an evil train that is also a spider. Just be ready to sleep with the lights on for a while.

Elon Musk is a transphobic piece of shit, so why not use his cars for good by playing Celeste in one? Not only is it a fantastic — nigh unmatched — puzzle platformer, it’s also a trans narrative from a trans developer. Celeste’s art style, music, narrative, and controls are all combine into one perfect whole, making for one of the single best games in recent memory. I don’t even like platformers, and I personally have nearly 77 hours in the game.

Which brings me to my next point about Celeste: Does anyone have any tips for the Chapter 7 C-side? That third room is just so daunting, so long, and I know there’s only one functional route through it but I just cannot seem to make it happen. Leave your advice in the comments please. Please.

Who doesn’t love an escape room? Tesla owners sure seem to, since they’ve paid five figures for the chance to enter one at any time without warning. But if those rare, impromptu occurrences aren’t enough for you, you could always get yourself an in-car escape room simulator — one that’s even optional, rather than your car’s mandatory function.

Escape Simulator even has online co-op, so you and your friends can escape together. Why settle for calling them in a panic when your electronic door poppers no longer work, when you could have them right by your side in a virtual puzzle room?

Many Tesla owners are what marketers would call “evangelists,” people who love the brand and want to tell their friends and neighbors about it. Of course, these people are often deeply interested in the technology that underpins their cars, as well as the cult of personality around the company’s famed not-founder. If there’s a better game for code nerds than VRChat I haven’t yet found it.

Contrary to the name, VRChat doesn’t actually require a VR headset to play. As long as you’ve got your Tesla’s infotainment screen, you can go hang out with Siren Head, Hatsune Miku, and approximately one million furries at the Great Pug. With Covid cases on the rise, it’s probably safer than a real bar.

Imagine, if you will, a charismatic tech CEO. Perhaps one with an interest in robotics and automation, who released semi-autonomous machinery on the public before it was ready and in doing so arguably caused the deaths of unrelated bystanders. I am, of course, talking about Ted Faro from the Horizon games. Who did you think I meant?

Horizon Zero Dawn takes place in an incredibly interesting world, one where violent robots have taken the place of nearly every natural creature on earth. Birds, horses, and city-sized insectoid death machines have all been replaced by metal beings with a taste for human flesh. And we thought we were all at risk of being automated out of our jobs.

Elon Musk’s relationships with his innumerable, unpronounceable children are... strained. You know who else has a strained relationship with his kid? Kratos. Maybe those two need to hang out, swap stories, and learn from one another. Also, they both need a shitload of therapy.

2018's God of War sequel-reboot is one of the bigger games that’s confirmed to play nice with the Steam Deck, so it should prove to be one of the better gaming experiences in Tesla’s arcade. Its sequel, Ragnarok, just swept the Game Awards last week — expect that to make its way to your car in a few years, once the PlayStation exclusivity wears off.

Look, I’ll be honest. I don’t have a catchy, relevant hook for this one. Yeah, I could do the “bad dad” thing, but we already covered that with God of War. This is just a straight-up game recommendation. You should play Hades.

Hades is a roguelike starring Zagreus, prince of the Greek underworld, in his attempts to escape his father’s home — and clutches. The narrative is great, the voice acting is fun, and the character designs have inspired legions of Rule 34 artists to do their absolute worst. Plus, the sequel is coming out soon, so you gotta catch up on the plot. Go play Hades.