A letter from Jalopnik readers to Lindsay Lohan and all other terrible celebrity drivers: don’t buy these ten cars.
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Not all celebrity drivers are terrible. Take a look at Steven Tyler. He owns a Hennessey Venom GT, a car that appears that can actively attack you with millions of twin-turbo horsepower at every moment. He hasn’t crashed yet! If he can survive a Venom GT, maybe there’s hope for celeb drivers. A few have even become successful racing drivers.
But before we go into all of the cars that bad celebrities shouldn’t drive, we’re going to recommend one that they should: the Morgan Three-Wheeler. It turns head like every attention-starved bad celebrity wants, but it’s not particularly fast and it is genuinely horrifying to drive. This means that bad celebs will be scared into driving sedately through Hollywood, never exceeding twelve miles an hour for fear the car will spin around and embarrass them.
Oh, and while we’re restricting things to cars, no bad-driving celebrity should go out and buy a superbike, like Justin Bieber did. It’s not going to end well.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
The symbol of 1980s celebrity is actually one of the most difficult cars to drive ever made, with no power steering, no rear visibility, and a huge engine waiting to plow some coked-out actor into a palm tree.
Some celebs are going for the old-school look with classic muscle cars on big wheels and skinny tires. This is a mistake. They have no anti-lock brakes, they have no traction control, and they have a lot of power ready to spin the back wheels. It’s going to end in a crash.
Suggested By: 4 Cam Torino, Photo Credit: Ryan Faddis via KATU
A TVR is a sexy proposition for any non-American celebrity (they never sold TVRs in the States), but footballers and footballers’ wives should never buy one. For inexperience drivers they might as well be rockets with a steering wheel. They have all the big power/no control problems of old muscle cars, only TVRs have even more potent engines.
Most Porsches these days really aren’t very difficult to drive and are made to flatter even the worst driver. However, it’s not hard to get a 911 GT2 into a crash, since it puts 523 horsepower to the back wheels alone.
Rowan Atkinson crashed one and he’s a good driver who had been practically daily driving his McLaren. That should give you an idea of how easily these things would go backwards into a tree with Chris Brown behind the wheel.
Suggested By: Heltoupee, Photo Credit: Rheinland-Pfalz Polizei
We don’t want to say that Ford GTs are exceedingly difficult to drive, we just don’t ever want to see them wrecked. They’re too damn pretty. We would cry.
Suggested By: $kaycog, Photo Credit: Jalopnik
The LFA is known for being a knife-edged car in terms of handling, with an extremely fast-revving engine. How Paris Hilton hasn’t crashed hers is beyond us.
Suggested By: Automatch, Photo Credit: Howard Brown & Sons Auto Sales
Kelsey Grammer got one of these as a gift from NBC in ’96 and managed to flip the thing. Bad celebrity drivers drive drunk, and drunk drivers end up crashing high-horsepower, ill-tempered sports cars.
Suggested By: The Stig's Graphic Designer, Photo Credit: Associated Press, Dodge
Classic sports and racing cars have all the vices we’ve described already: they have plenty of power, they have rear-wheel-drive, and they don’t have ABS or traction control. In short, they do not suffer fools gladly. Hand Britney Spears the key to a 250 GTO, or even a sedate 250 California or Lusso and it will end up around a pole. We would weep for the loss of the beautiful machine.
Suggested By: ENZo288, Photo Credit: Otis Blank
Rich people love beating the living crap out of Ferrari’s hypercar. We’ve seen them split in half, driven into walls, and even honed around dirt farm roads. It’s high time to sound the call to Save The Enzos!
Suggested By: The Swedish Bandit, Photo Credit: Getty Images