Just because you're alone in a car doesn't mean we can't see you.
10.) Not In The Air Vent!
Off the myriad of places to throw up in a car, macanamera's friend picked the very worst one.
"So I'm riding in the back of my buddy's car with two people up front. Person in the passenger seat finds an old, steaming hot water bottle (Florida) under the seat, says "screw it, I'm thirsty", opens it and chugs like a quarter of it. Turns out it was 100 degree vodka, he immediately vomits on the dash and A/C vent. Vomit penetrates deep into A/C vent, and that car smelled like puke for ~3 months."
Suggested By: macanamera, Photo Credit: Nan Palmero
9.) That's One Way To Get Rid Of That
Trash cans? Overrated. Or at least, that's what the subject of MonkeyPuzzle's story thinks.
"Replacement of used feminine hygiene product with new. Used was unceremoniously disposed of through window at highway speeds."
Suggested By: MonkeyPuzzle, Photo Credit: Vladimer Shioshvili
8.) Hitchhiking German Couple Has Some Fun
You ever feel like those freewheeling types are just a little too freewheeling? I love you but I've chosen hooning probably does.
"My then girlfriend and I went to this small Italian island and get a rental car. The regular Twingo wasn't available so they gave us a Sprinter Bus instead. There is this German stoner couple that looks like they came straight out of Woodstock that asks us if we could give them a ride. Since we're nice people and all and their destination was close to our place, we agree. They get in the back of the bus, not the second row but the third one, which was already weird. So we're on the road and I hear moaning, I look into the back mirror and the lady is 'gone.' Except not really. She went down on her dude and gives him a big ol' sloppy blowjob while he is fingering her. I ask them to wait since we're only 20 minutes from the destination. The dude then tells me to mind my own business.
You know, it's one thing to have sex in my car while I'm driving. It's another one to be very disrespectful while doing so. So I stop the car, basically grab their stuff and throw it out on the street and then tell them that I'll do the same to them if they don't leave the car immediately."
Suggested By: I love you but I've chosen hooning, Photo Credit: Valdek Laur
7.) That's Not Rain
For many reasons it's probably a good idea to keep your head inside a car as Luc Allain - The 323 Guy's friend found out.
"Back when I was younger I was being the designated driver in my dad's trusty old Dodge Shadow with 3 of my friends who had been drinking. On the ride home that night all 3 of my friends were completely plastered. We had all the windows down when my friend in the front seat starts puking out the front window while the car is in motion. Then my dumbass friend sitting behind him says 'Hey it's raining' so he then sticks his head out the window only to stick his face directly in the stream of projectile vomit.
At this point I don't know what is grosser the vomit in the face or the fact I had to drive around in a Dodge Shadow."
Suggested By: Luc Allain - The 323 Guy, Photo Credit: Alden Jewell
6.) Peeing Out Of A Monte Carlo
Usually I try to come up with clever titles for these, but this story from MrSlippyFist speaks for itself.
"Driving to the Jersey Shore from Philly around 2005, just getting back on the highway (turnpike? AC expressway?) from one of those rest stations in the center so both directions of traffic can use them, but now you have to merge into the passing lane. Some guy in a late 80's-early 90's black Monte Carlo SS t-top had his head out of the top, right knee on the seat, left knee on the armrest of the door, facing backwards with the door open pissing out onto the road at 85-90 mph. My buddy, who was driving, and I were so amazed that we did the fast and furious thing just to catch and keep up with this guy to confirm we were actually seeing what we thought we were."
Suggested By: MrSlippyFist, Photo Credit: Chevrolet
5.) "Hot, Nasty, Angry McDonalds Parking Lot Sex"
When this bus is a rockin', don't come a...oh never mind. Reader k4wht::lead singer, driver of the Winnebago had the misfortune of spying on some McDonalds drive through fun.
"I couldn't see the bus from where I started in line, but noticed it as I rounded the corner of the building just sitting there. Being that service was particularly awful I had time to let my mind wander and reflect on the day when I notice out of the corner of my eye the bus is moving side to side ever so slightly. The bus has 2 axles on it, so its not light duty by any means. My curiosity now piqued, the line finally progresses to the point where I can finally see the cause of the movement. I kinda knew, but then I confirmed my suspicion....hot nasty angry McDonalds parking lot sex. At 7pm. On a weeknight. Where the rest of the people could see them right out of the dining room window. Not just in a seat, but the dude was holding on to the handrails with his companion in front of him. Lots of movement, but bonus points for being in the aisle and not the seat."
Suggested By: k4wht::lead singer, driver of the Winnebago, Photo Credit: Pimlico Badger
4.) "Receptacles Of Unspeakable Dread"
Don't leave trash in your car, especially when your trash is the kind Chariman Kaga had to experience.
"A friend of mine was going through a rough patch, and had become something of a nihilistic alcoholic. He had a late 80s Dodge Ram conversion van, and would come over after a night of drinking, park in my yard, and proceed to go all Dr. Gonzo on a fifth of rum. This happened several times a week.
I happened to be riding shotgun with him one day when I was overcome with the smell of human waste. Nauseating, stomach whipping, olfactory deadening horror.
Yeah. So it turns out when get got really drunk, he also got diarrhea. Instead of befouling my lawn or banging on my door at 3 am on a Tuesday (thanks, dude), he'd crap and/or vomit in a trash bag, which he would tie up and leave in the back of the van. There were several of these receptacles of unspeakable dread about three feet behind my person."
Suggested By: Chariman Kaga, Photo Credit: brownpau
3.) Yanking In Broad Daylight
From Emmy M we have a threefer, which probably isn't a good thing in this case.
"The first was a guy in a parked car as I was walking back from class one day in college in LA. He was just sitting in the driver's seat, staring at women on the sidewalk, yanking it in broad daylight. This guy I was able to get arrested because there were some convenient bike cops nearby who I waved down. The second similar one was while I was driving on I-5 near Seattle, and my friend and I noticed a vehicle pacing us for a few minutes, and finally we looked over and he was jerking off while staring at us. Again, in the middle of the day. (This was also my friend's second experience, as she had this happen to her once in 8th grade when she was walking to school in the morning). The third was in LA again, where a guy had DVD players installed in his sun visors. I was sitting at a stoplight, and he pulled up in the next lane, looked at me, grinned, then flipped the passenger visor my way and it was playing hardcore porn. He followed me for few blocks. He had the audio hooked up, too."
Suggested By: Emmy M, Photo Credit: Wayne
Just read this story from SLA.
"About 10 to 15 years ago I was out on a delivery job in the Philly Suburbs, sitting shotgun in the truck. We were stopped at a red light and out of the corner of my eye I saw some sort of repeated movement in the car next to me. I looked over and there was young guy full on giving a large deli pickle a BJ. He was holding the pickle completely still and he was just moving his head back and forth. I couldn't freakin believe it. The other two guys in my truck couldn't believe it either. The guy made no effort whatsoever to conceal what he was doing.
A few weeks later, The Preston & Steve morning radio show were talking about this guy bc he was apparently spotted all over giving his pickle head. Someone took a cell phone video of him while he was blowing his pickle on the highway while doing about 60mph (driving not sucking)."
Suggested By: SLA, Photo Credit: Christine
1.) That's Not Pudding
Ah, the joys of parenthood. CalzoneGolem knows them all too well.
"My son was in the back in his car seat happy as can be. Daughter next to him. Wife and I in the front.
We hear my daughter, "What are you eating?"
I look back and see what looks a child who had enjoyed a chocolate pudding. Only there was no pudding. He had pooped so hard and so much that it had exploded out of his diaper in every direction and he was now sitting in what was effectively a bowl of his own feces.
We pull over in a coin op car wash and remove him from his seat. I pour the poo from his seat down the drain and hand the dripping child to my wife. Some quarters to spray off his seat, many many wipes and a new change of clothes were all required."
Suggested By: CalzoneGolem, Photo Credit: Getty Images
Welcome back to Answers of the Day - our daily Jalopnik feature where we take the best ten responses from the previous day's Question of the Day and shine it up to show off. It's by you and for you, the Jalopnik readers. Enjoy!
Top Photo Credit: Jason Torchinsky via Jalopnik