Photo Credit: Mercedes-AMG

The 2019 Mercedes-AMG G63 has been out for a hot minute now, and given AMG’s ability to put unreal power into ordinary Benzes, it shouldn’t be too surprising that the new G63 goes, wait, 149 miles per hour? Who the, what, with, the where, what? What?

This came up recently in an excellent Smith and Sniff review of the G63, while they were discussing how many thousands of pounds one is expected to pay for optional paint and available Nappa leather seats in the Designo trim. (What the hell is “designo” again?) For two grand, Richard Porter, of Top Gear and Sniff Petrol, explains, you can get the AMG Driver’s Packagage, which raises the electronic speed limiter from 137 to 149 miles per hour. You can watch the discussion about three minutes into this video:

Pushed along by 577 horsepower, Mercedes claims the 2019 G63 is lighter than the house-on-wheels it replaces, but the new car still weighs nearly 5,500 pounds altogether. Hm. I would try to do some math on how much kinetic energy that would have (something something 2485 kilograms and 66.6 meters per second) and how it would compare to, say, an elephant being shot out of a cannon, but that sounds complicated.

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“If something goes wrong,” Porter intones, “dark forces are going to be released.”

“It’s like an extremely pissed-up rugby player,” as Jonny Smith puts it, “with a tray full, you know, 18 pints round, and they’re going for that full fast walk/wobble through a busy bar.”

To AMG’s credit, the new G has independent front suspension! Totally safe.

Certainly there are cars with higher top speeds on the market, even ones with lower sticker prices than this G Wagen, but I struggle to think of a more questionably fast vehicle on sale today. Man. Doing 149 two stories in the air in a G Wagen. One of these is going to end up halfway through every store front in SoHo before the year is out.